Strange Nights = Bad Days

Monday, July 25, 2005

Mood: irritated and raw
Music: Evanescence

I don't think I got much actual sleep last night. My mind was waaaay to active. Seems like the weird and disturbing dreams started the moment my head hit the pillow and lasted all through the night. There were dreams within dreams within dreams, and in none of them could I be sure whether I was awake or asleep. It was like trying not to drown, the struggle to surface to true wakefulness. I spent the night fighting dreams, and it's left me feeling very angry. I wish I boxed or something, because I feel the need now to physically beat the crap outta something. I feel that way when the old demons have been haunting me, too. The desire to get the pain and rage out outweighs the fear of getting hurt. But punching a pillow or a bag just doesn't work for me. I need to meet resistance, and sometimes even get my butt kicked (it's humbling). Ultimately, when I've exhausted myself physically and emotionally, there is a sort of peace, finally. Even if I can't "win" the fight, I feel better for having tried. I know there's probably some mental connection between my years of feeling helpless/unable to fight and the desire to fight and prove to myself that I can now. But I don't feel like self-analysis right now.

Since I don't have anybody willing to let me try to fight them, I'll have to settle for the next thing that will somewhat settle me down. Music. The harder the metal, the angrier, the louder, the better to start out with. Megadeth, Disturbed, Linkin Park, etc. Then I seem to step it down, and sometimes I actually make it back to something cheerful. Today I'll settle for not feeling like my emotional skin has been pulled off and left me so raw. Today I'll settle for reaching the point where the rage melts to tears.

2 comments:

ZiPpo said...

Wellbutrin gave me very vivid dreams. Hang in there.

ZiPpo said...

I hope all is well with you. Haven't heard from you in months. All the best.

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