God, Guilt, and Absolution

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Earlier tonight I went down with a migraine that hit me like a freight train. I was gaming at the time, and it was all I could do to stow my stuff and exit before it blinded me.

Anyway, while I was laying in the dark trying to remember to keep breathing, I started thinking (not much else to do). In the game, I had been talking with my college friend, D (see previous post), and I had told him how lucky he is to have such strength of faith. I mean, the guy moved all the way to Israel!

I began examining (as I sometimes do) my own beliefs, and wondering why it's so hard for me to have any sort of faith in ....well, God. And in my slow process of picking through the rubble that is me, I think I have an inkling why. I'll try to explain it, but it will probably come out more simplified than it was when I came to this conclusion.

Take a child whose father is beating her, whose mother is mentally/emotionally cruel, and who is being sexually abused, and send that child to Sunday School, where she is told that God made the world and God sees all and that God loves us and will protect us. Talk about confusion! The message I ultimately came away with was that I must have done something terrible and was being punished by God for it. It was the only thing that made sense to me. So, along with the guilt that is common in abused children, I carried the guilt for some unknown awful thing that I was being tormented for. I think some part of me still looks for an absolution that will never come.

Later, I found that there were people who didn't believe in God (and hey - they weren't struck down, either!). For the granddaughter of a Baptist pastor, this was an amazing bit of news! After consideration of this new view, I started gravitating toward the agnostic side of things. There just couldn't be a God, because what kind of God allows children to experience what I did?

So, that's where I'm stuck now. I'm still not sure if there is or isn't a God. I still feel like I need to be punished and absolved of something that was never my fault to begin with. I am still seeking that truth that will ultimately set me free.

So yeah, D is VERY lucky he has such strong faith, whether it turns out to be true or not.


The Taorist said...

Believing in something that cannot be seen/touched/felt/heard/tasted is one of the hardest things to do in the world.

God/s is not included in these things.

It is literaly a "LEAP" of faith. It's like jumping off a building without any idea how high you are or if there is a soft cushion waiting under you.

It takes courage to believe in something. Believing in nothing is a belief in itself. Atheism, Agnoticsm, Satanism, etc. are beliefs.

It's ok to be confused dear. From chaos will come forth order and vice versa again. Light needs dark and vice cersa. Confusion and non-confusion is needed.

Let's suppose someone is a zealot of a particular belief. He becomes deranged to the point of pushing his OWN belief into someone else's throat. He doesn't even stop and think whether he is doing anything wrong. Or he blows people up. Have his other believers drink poison. Put poison gas in the subway.

Confusion has it uses. It makes us think in other ways.

You are now thinking of other ways.

Miss Krys said...

Oh my goodness, I started tearing while reading your post. I have so been there. I myself am a daughter of a minister.

Being in the church, it's so hard to belive when you see the corruption of those who stand right in the pulpit. It's also hard when you go home with those who stand in the pulpit or in leadership and see what you think is the bride of Satan himself.

I had such a hard time with faith until I moved out of my parents house. I stopped going to church, and just breathed.

I never really leaned towards atheism, but I did lean toward a diest belief that God made the world and all in it, and left it to run naturally, without any interference. I guess to a certain extent I still believe that, but not I do feel God is more real in my life, because I stopped looking at the God of my parents, but the god with whom I began to forge a relationship personally.

The God I read about for myself in my own Bible. I am not sure if he interacts, but since I began attending Lakewood Church two years ago, I have found more peace in starting my day with God.

Today was a terrible day for me, and this was the first day in a while that I have not started it with my personal devotion time with God. Starting in a positive, God has something better in store for me outlook everyday just makes the day easier. I accept that bad things happen because God in his greatness did give us the power of choice, and unfortunately some people make bad choices which in turn negatively affect others.

And I have taught myself that the bad things through which I have gone in my life, have greatly prepared me to be an effective positive light in someone else's life who may be going through the same things.

Sorry my comment was so long, but I had to share it, because I totally felt your frustration, and I lived with it for many years and I still resort to it on occassion.

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