The Order of the Stick - by Rich Burlew

The Order of the Stick - by Rich Burlew

Anyone who has ever played D&D at all is probably going to recognize themselves or their party members in this online comic strip. It's hilarious!

Character gets hurt, cleric says "how bad is it?" Character holds out his spleen "I don't know, is this important?" *laugh*

The comic strip is up to #251 as of today, and seems to be an ongoing thing (since yesterday it was only up to #250). This one's in my favorites now. :)

Trying for a PS3

Ok, this time, I'm getting in early on this! I waited around too long for the ipod.

The folks that did the free ipod thing are offering a free PS3. You sign up, complete an offer, and start referring.

I chose to do the RealArcade offer, because I love games. If you want to jump on this one, go HERE! (please please please)

City Building Games

Mood: pretty good, actually
Music: Twilight Zone by Golden Earring

I love to play city building games. Something about the micromanaging is just so fun! Except, of course, when you forget simple things like, oh say, a firehouse. **sheepish grin**

So far, I've played Caesar II, Zeus, Poseidon, Emperor, and I'm now playing Pharaoh (with the Cleopatra expansion pack). All of them were made by Sierra/Impressions Games (I'm pretty sure). I have to say, out of all of those, my favorite is Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom. The roadblocks and gates work much, much better than the systems in the other games. Even the roadblocks in Pharoah don't work the same (they suck, actually). Emperor is just a far more precise game, in my book, and I love precision. I wish the other games of that nature had been made with that level of precision. I hate seeing my walkers go everywhere but where I want them to! Oh, and the graphics is another thing. I think Emperor has better building designs and such - the others are a little too cartoony (especially Zeus).

Civilization II and III, while not quite the same genre, are fun (admittedly, I haven't had time to dive too much into III yet, but what I did do looks good).

I haven't tried playing the Sims stuff yet. It just doesn't look all that much fun - I like managing goods and processes, not necessarily individuals. It seems to me that the Sims are more of an interactive soap opera (bleh).

I'm also a Rollercoaster Tycoon freak. I've tried other tycoon games, and none of them are on a level with that, although Railroad Tycoon II has come close. Cruise Ship Tycoon is a joke. I gave Golf Resort Tycoon to the kids.

Oh, and Total Annihilation: Kingdoms has been rather fun, too. I've also recently gotten my hands on Stronghold: Crusader, and it's alright - not fabulous, but alright.

I guess I'm in search of the next great detail-oriented game. Any suggestions?

Hint for Husbands

Mood: irritated, annoyed, and a little hurt
Music: Heart and Soul by T'Pau

OK. Here's a hint for all the husbands out there: women like to be, at the very least, acknowledged for the sexy creatures we are when we're flirting and trying to get some lovin'. Even if you're not in the mood, guys, let her know you still think she's sexy and great and all that.

Or risk being cut off. She'll find other ways to amuse herself.

Case in point. Hubby was in a somewhat playful mood, so I responded and got all playful back, and ended up with him behind me while I was dancing. Now, we had been having fun, but I wanted more, so I'm all rubbing the back of me all up on the front of him...and getting nothing. Absolute zero response. He might as well have been having a root canal.

Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. Not even a kiss and an 'I'm tired'. Ouch.

Not an isolated incident, either. I swear the man has almost zero sex drive, while I'm somewhere in the outer stratosphere. Talk about frustrating!

But to not even give me any feedback whatsoever...that's shitty. Pretty soon, I'm just going to stop even appearing interested, because it very rarely gets me anywhere. Maybe he should write a book 'how to kill your sex life in less than 5 years'.

Games People Play

Mood: Quacking up
Music: Rob Zombie

Pogo's done it again. They've come up with yet another mindless, thoroughly addictive waste of time. And I'm hooked, of course. It's called Quick Quack, and has wasted a large portion of my evening..and morning. Whatever you do, be sure you have a few hours before you sit down to try it, and that you have a good supply of your beverage and snack of choice handy.

Speaking of games, I have my kids addicted to http://www.starfall.com . It's a site that has reading and phonics games (shhh they're really lessons). I have a shortcut on the desktop of the computer they use, and they are allowed to play there any time they want. Surprisingly, they are there more often than they are on neopets. Colorful graphics, cool sounds, catchy phrases. The one I keep hearing the girls repeat is "when two vowels go a-walking, the first one does the talking". Hey, if it helps them get the vowel teams down, I'm all for it!

Anyone out there have more good games to play or good kid-friendly sites (that aren't based on TV shows)? Post 'em!

I'm just too stubborn for my own good...

Right now, I have a migraine. You know, the kind of I'm-dizzy-nauseated-somebody-please-split-my-skull-open-and-make-it-feel-better kind of thing. Am I laying down in the dark in a fetal position like I ordinarily would be under such conditions? Nope.

I have things I want to do, dammit, so I'm wearing my sunglasses to cut the light from the computer screen, taking obscene amounts of Excedrin, balancing an ice pack on the top of my head, and trying desperately to just keep going. I think if I stop and go lay down, I'll have nothing to take my mind off the pain, and that won't be pretty. I'm not letting this stupid migraine stop me from having time to myself!

What's so important? Why, gaming, of course! MUDding, MUSHing, and MUCKing about. My characters might be a little crabby tonight, but that might make killing dragons and such all the more satisfying. And in the more social arenas, I might manage to be ruthless and start an all-out war. Sounds fun to me!

How appropriate is it that I'm watching Dungeons & Dragons? ::grin::

Yeah, I'm one of -those- types. Deal with it.

Oh....one cool thing before I go. I was playing with name generators (google 'name generator' and have fun), and got the following:

• Opal Wave Dancer
• Bithore the Ash Maker (Sky Blue Dragon)
• Nienna Elensar
• Black Jenny Roberts
• Kali Flame Hawk
• Scaju Jocor

The most interesting/odd one was when I entered my old married name in and got...Lucid Nightmare. How appropo is that?

Yeah, I Know. I Missed Y'all, Too.

Mood: Goofy
Music: you kidding? The kids are asleep. Shhh......don't breathe too loud, I'm stealing some me time.

Good grief it's been eons since I last posted. ::rolling eyes::

Time is one of those elusive things for me. It just sort of slips through my fingers. One minute it's Sunday afternoon and the next it's Thursday night. At least, it seems that way. Ask me what day of the week it is, and unless it's cheerleading season (which it is right now, which is why I'm so dag-blamed busy), I really have to think hard about it. Hell, every year I spend all of May feeling like it's June, and all of July going "what happened to June?"...June is just greasy, I've come to believe. Slips right by with nary a squeak.

Well, we had some excitement a couple of weeks ago. I had just slipped into bed at 4am on a Sunday morning after spending all night MUD/MUSHing (google it, ok?), and not three minutes after I lay down, I heard a noise outside. It was a soft "thunk", and then about 10 seconds later, another "thunk". Nothing loud. Nothing that far out of the ordinary..but I got up and looked out the window to see. Next thing I did was hiss "Holy shit! Honey, get the gun - there's someone in your car!"

I've never seen anyone move quite that fast in my life. I swear, the man jumped right out of bed from a sound sleep, got the gun down, loaded it, and was out the front door in 15 seconds! He jumped the steps, landed on the walkway, and fired a warning shot. The two guys went running off into the woods. Long story short, they didn't get anything, and the sheriff's deputy found one of the guys' sneakers at the property line. Someone had a nasty, painful run through the woods!

About a week later, the sheriff's office called and told us that many of our neighbors had reported items missing that Sunday. These guys had been roaming the neighborhood. They just picked the wrong house when they hit us. I just looked at my husband and said "So are you going to gripe anymore about my staying up 'til all hours of the morning?" He didn't have much to say on that count....

Of course lots more has happened in the last couple of months, but I'm not going to fit it all in right now. It'll keep.

This Karamel Sutra ice cream, however, won't last nearly so long! Yummy!

Strange Nights = Bad Days

Mood: irritated and raw
Music: Evanescence

I don't think I got much actual sleep last night. My mind was waaaay to active. Seems like the weird and disturbing dreams started the moment my head hit the pillow and lasted all through the night. There were dreams within dreams within dreams, and in none of them could I be sure whether I was awake or asleep. It was like trying not to drown, the struggle to surface to true wakefulness. I spent the night fighting dreams, and it's left me feeling very angry. I wish I boxed or something, because I feel the need now to physically beat the crap outta something. I feel that way when the old demons have been haunting me, too. The desire to get the pain and rage out outweighs the fear of getting hurt. But punching a pillow or a bag just doesn't work for me. I need to meet resistance, and sometimes even get my butt kicked (it's humbling). Ultimately, when I've exhausted myself physically and emotionally, there is a sort of peace, finally. Even if I can't "win" the fight, I feel better for having tried. I know there's probably some mental connection between my years of feeling helpless/unable to fight and the desire to fight and prove to myself that I can now. But I don't feel like self-analysis right now.

Since I don't have anybody willing to let me try to fight them, I'll have to settle for the next thing that will somewhat settle me down. Music. The harder the metal, the angrier, the louder, the better to start out with. Megadeth, Disturbed, Linkin Park, etc. Then I seem to step it down, and sometimes I actually make it back to something cheerful. Today I'll settle for not feeling like my emotional skin has been pulled off and left me so raw. Today I'll settle for reaching the point where the rage melts to tears.

God, Guilt, and Absolution

Earlier tonight I went down with a migraine that hit me like a freight train. I was gaming at the time, and it was all I could do to stow my stuff and exit before it blinded me.

Anyway, while I was laying in the dark trying to remember to keep breathing, I started thinking (not much else to do). In the game, I had been talking with my college friend, D (see previous post), and I had told him how lucky he is to have such strength of faith. I mean, the guy moved all the way to Israel!

I began examining (as I sometimes do) my own beliefs, and wondering why it's so hard for me to have any sort of faith in ....well, God. And in my slow process of picking through the rubble that is me, I think I have an inkling why. I'll try to explain it, but it will probably come out more simplified than it was when I came to this conclusion.

Take a child whose father is beating her, whose mother is mentally/emotionally cruel, and who is being sexually abused, and send that child to Sunday School, where she is told that God made the world and God sees all and that God loves us and will protect us. Talk about confusion! The message I ultimately came away with was that I must have done something terrible and was being punished by God for it. It was the only thing that made sense to me. So, along with the guilt that is common in abused children, I carried the guilt for some unknown awful thing that I was being tormented for. I think some part of me still looks for an absolution that will never come.

Later, I found that there were people who didn't believe in God (and hey - they weren't struck down, either!). For the granddaughter of a Baptist pastor, this was an amazing bit of news! After consideration of this new view, I started gravitating toward the agnostic side of things. There just couldn't be a God, because what kind of God allows children to experience what I did?

So, that's where I'm stuck now. I'm still not sure if there is or isn't a God. I still feel like I need to be punished and absolved of something that was never my fault to begin with. I am still seeking that truth that will ultimately set me free.

So yeah, D is VERY lucky he has such strong faith, whether it turns out to be true or not.

Old Friends, Birthdays, and Other Happenings

Yesterday I got the weirdest urge to play in a MUD (that's Multi-User Dungeon for those that didn't know). I had played in one a few years ago, but stopped playing when I got too busy. I couldn't remember the name of the MUD I'd played in, or the name of my character, or the names of any of my friends in the MUD (except Belgarath - that name stuck in my head, but only because I like the books).

So, anyway, I started looking up MUDs, and in a list a half-mile long, spotted the name of the MUD I'd been in before. It was one of those 'recognize it when you see it' things. So I went on as a Guest (I still couldn't remember my own darned character name) to look around. Of course, I've completely forgotten the commands to do just about anything, so I sat in Central Park for a while. I walked around a little bit. Somehow, I ran into my friend from college (D), that I hadn't talked to in years! We spent some time catching up, and he updated me on what the folks I used to hang out with were doing. I found out that my old roommate is now in a state mental facility, but the rest of the gang seems to be doing well. D moved to Israel, so it was the middle of the night for him while we were talking.

I just find it amazing that he and I connect and talk ever few years or so. It's really neat and fun! We emailed pics - I sent some of myself and my kids, he sent one of himself in Israel with beautiful old buildings in the background. He says I haven't changed. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean, does that mean I am stuck looking like something from 1990 or that I'm aging well? lol

I don't seem to get in touch with anyone else from high school or college. Then again, I really don't really want to hear from the high school crowd. I don't go to class reunions or anything. I figure that everything between age 0-17 is a chunk of my life I'd rather forget! Sometimes it all seems like a nightmare that happened to someone else, and maybe, in a way, it did. I'm not the same person I was then, and many of the memories seem so...surreal. ::deep breath:: OK....change of subject.

Today is Little Red's birthday. She's all excited, of course, and I like to make a big deal of birthdays. She's exempt from chores today, and can pick what we have for dinner tonight. She pretty much rules the roost today, but that's neat. She's the middle child, and she sometimes feels left out - not young enough to be babied like Little Man, not old enough to be able to do what She-Who-States-the-Obvious is allowed to do. So today, it's all about Little Red. :)

Last night, the Queen of Crochet (my best friend) and I made one of our late-night WalMart runs to go get Little Red's cake, ice cream, and presents. I was looking for a DVD, and the electronics section was torn apart for floor cleaning. At least, that's what I think it was. There were three people scraping the floor, and about nine people standing around watching them. I had to climb over several racks to get to what I was looking for, but I found it in spite of them! I also got her a book and two computer game sets, since I recently put one of the spare computers in their room. I would have gone for something more along the line of toys, but really, I couldn't bring myself to get them more junk! They share a room, and they have too much as it is (at least until the garage sale QoC and I are having in three weeks).

Cheer season starts in two weeks. I don't think I want a squad this year (dealing with obnoxious parents sucks - that's a whole 'nother post). I want to do what I did last year, and be Stunt Coordinator for the competition squads. I want to sent a squad to Nationals this year! Last year we made it to Regionals, and placed well, but not quite high enough to go to Nationals. For this year, I've got several new stunt ideas, and one killer opening sequence! ::grin:: We have a dance team this year, and I've been asked to help out there, too. This stuff is just way too fun!

More than you wanted to know about your birthdate

Birthday Calculator

Here's what came up for mine:

You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 5.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441377.5.
The golden number for 1972 is 16.
The epact number for 1972 is 14.
The year 1972 was a leap year.

As of 7/6/2005 4:08:56 PM CDT
You are 33 years old.
You are 400 months old.
You are 1,740 weeks old.
You are 12,180 days old.
You are 292,336 hours old.
You are 17,540,168 minutes old.
You are 1,052,410,136 seconds old.

There are 238 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 34 candles on it.

Those 34 candles produce 34 BTU's,
or 8,568 calories of heat (that's only 8.5680 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.89 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Aquamarine

The Mystical properties of Aquamarine

Aquamarine is often used to experience love and mercy. It is said to help ease depression and grief.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Jade, Rock Crystal

Your birth tree is

Weeping Willow, the Melancholy

Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.



There are 172 days till Christmas 2005!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

*******Wow! That tree thing nailed it! They missed Bloodstone in the list of birthstones, though. Interesting that Jade is there - I used to use "Jade" in my name when (::blushing::) pursuing ..ahem...erotic communication.

I bet they're wondering "Now why don't she write?"

Mood: annoyed
Music: none

Name the movie the title of this post is from - put your answers in the comments. Bonus points if you name who said it and the circumstances.

Now, on to my annoyance.

I must have thought up six good topics that I wanted to blog about today. All of them were topics that I found engaging and had lots to say about. Do you think I can remember a single one of them now that I sit here? Hmm??

Nope.

Never fails. I think "I should blog that" at least a dozen times a week. Unfortunately, I'm in the car, falling asleep, busy with other things, etc. The inspiration just never strikes when I'm sitting here wondering what to say. So, if you ever wondered why I don't post as regularly as other bloggers, now you know.

I'm too busy pounding my head on my desk, trying to recall at least one of the week's brilliant ideas. I should call this the Purple Forehead blog......

3...2...1....AHA!!!! Now you get it!

Exes and Meds

Mood: Ok

Things are going ok so far on the Wellbutrin. It seems to supress my appetite, though, so heartburn now seems to be my new cue to eat. That, and when my blood sugar bottoms out and I get headachy, nauseated, etc. Guess I'll just have to get used to that one.

I dropped my daughters off with their biological dad for the weekend. Even though the little guy is still with me, the house seems so quiet without them. They add a rambunctious sort of vitality to the house, you know? Then again, the quiet can be a nice thing. I also get to spend more time with the little guy and Hubby - even though the girls are always in the back of my mind.

The ex only sees them once in a great while. He doesn't even bother to call them. Every two or three months or so, he remembers he has kids, and calls to arrange a weekend with them. He strings them along, popping into their lives just enough to never let them move on without him. Visiting him always upsets them. The miss him all the more after seeing him, and then they don't hear from him for months. It breaks my heart so badly for them, and makes me hate him all the more. I wish he'd just give up parental rights and let Hubby adopt them. Hubby loves the girls as though they were his own, and they adore him, too. I just want to spare the girls this never ending cycle. I went through it while married to him. He'd be such an ass for a long time, and then, like the sun coming out, would be all loving and great. Then he'd go back to being an ass again. He'd 'play nice' just often enough so I would be thinking "well, he does have his good times", and not leave. Just enough to keep me strung along. To see him repeat this cyclical love with them is awful.

I don't want to write any more for now. I'm upsetting myself, and little guy is going for the pretty lighted blue button on the puter.....

Happy Pills, NeoPets, and Anguissettes

Mood: fair to middlin'
Music: 80's music channel

I went to my doctor's appointment and I got through it without throwing up from the anxiety! I hate going to the doctor to begin with, but going to the doctor to tell them you're mental is so much worse, somehow!

Anyway, she put me on Wellbutrin XL and made me an appointment to see her again in three weeks.

Not a single one of my family or friends is surprised. Fortunately, though, they are also very supportive. My husband, bless his heart, called me four times today to see if I was ok. He worries (too much) about possible side effects. I told him each time that no, I hadn't started doin' the tuna yet. (and before anybody jumps my shit about that last phrase, I have a very good friend who has frequent seizures, and if she can have a sense of humor about it (the phrase is how she refers to it), so can you - so jump off)

Anyway.

I had heard of NeoPets before, but never known what it was all about. Well, somehow, one of my homeschooling email lists got on the topic of NeoPets, Yu-Gi-Oh, and other obsessions of youth. Somebody said she was having as much fun with NeoPets as her kids were, so I thought I'd check it out.

I'm now the proud owner of a sweet little tiger-lookin' thing (a Krouga, if I remember correctly). I have a little shop. I'm addicted to a couple of the games. All in the course of one day. I'm glad we have two computers set up right now, or the kids and I would be battling for NeoPet time. As it is, I might end up setting up one of the other puters with a wireless card so we can all be on at the same time (and play games together). Of course, we really need to get that third puter set up anyway, for this year's homeschooling. I have plans that will require both kids to have ready access, and right now they are sharing a puter with Hubby. My computer is off limits to everyone else, naturally. I'm the only one in the house that really knows more than the basics about computers, and Hubby has a blue thumb. He crashed my puter once, and went out that weekend to buy one for himself. He said he didn't want to bring down that kind of wrath ever again....... lol.

I suppose I'm done with the puter for the night. I'm going to plop myself down in the rocker and read Kushiel's Dart (yeah, I'm rereading it). Scintillating bedtime reading. ; {)

Love as thou wilt.....

Taking the Plunge

Mood: Apprehensive
Music: none

Well, I did it. I called and made a doctor's appointment about my chronic depression. I've been moderately depressed for.....well, for as long as I can remember. I used to think that's just the way I am, but as I get older and meet more people, I realize that my irritable, moody, mopy, unmotivated behavior is not normal. I've reached the point where I feel like something must be done. It took a long time for me to get the courage to make the call and ask to be seen for depression.

I feel like I just jumped off the high board and haven't hit the water yet.

I go in on Monday. I sure hope they can help. I'll keep ya posted.

Email

Mood: half a bubble off plumb
Music: 80's channel (what else?)

I got this email with a whole LOT of sayings and bumper stickers. Some were the old standbys, but there were a few goodies in there. Yes, I'll share:

• Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went
  nuts.
• Right now I've got amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
  I've forgotten this before.
• I like the insanity, but stop the stupidity.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• I bet I can stop gambling.
• Few women admit their age, few men act it.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
• Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
• Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" . . . until you can find
  a rock.
• I don't get even, I get odder.
• If your nose runs and your feet smell you were probably built upside
  down.
• I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
  particles.
• If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with
  bullshit.

Anyway, that's my lazy gal post for tonight. I have to go do my blogroll and blog explosion rounds.

G'night!

Caffeine-induced Silliness

Mood: so wired on caffeine that I can't quit clenching my teeth
TV: Deadliest Catch

Boy, am I wound up! I keep trying to relax my jaw, but every time I quit concentrating, my teeth clench again. I'm going to have a hell of an achy mouth tomorrow!

Had a little fun at hubby's expense tonight. Heehee! I tell ya, a man really hates it when you can't quit laughing when he has his penis exposed. I wasn't laughing at his penis, though - I was laughing at the expression on his face. It was priceless! I had put on some shimmering lotion earlier this evening. Later, I gave him a hand job (I wasn't hearing any complaints at that point). Weeellll, he went in to use the bathroom afterward, and I heard him say "What the hell did you DO? There's glitter all over my dick!" Ummm. Ooops!! He came out and showed me, and the look on his face was so...bewildered...that I couldn't quit laughing! I tried, really, I did!

So, anyway, a tip for the ladies - wash your hands after applying shimmering lotion, especially if you're going to handle your guy's goods!

Well, I can't sit still any longer, so I think I'll go run around the house for a while! Have fun, y'all!

Othello ~Jan 1990 - June 4, 2005~

Mood: sad

Today my household is in mourning. We have lost a dear part of our family. Othello was our 15-year-old tomcat, and he died this morning. Hubby is especially devastated

My husband got Othello at the age of 6 weeks from some friends of his. He was a jet black cat with the most beautiful golden eyes. He was fearless - taking on large dogs and even a big snake or two. He'd walk right up to our black lab/chow mix dog and rake his claws across her snout just to remind her who was in charge.

I came to know Othello when I met my husband in 2001. Even though I only knew Othello for four years, we had quite a history. First, there began the War of the Bathmats. Hubby had never had bathmats in the house. He'd just throw down a towel for each shower. I like bathmats, so I bought one for each bathroom. Othello wasn't having any part of it - he peed on both of them the very first day. Oh, yes....Othello was talented at expressing his displeasure! So, I rubbed the cat's nose in it, washed the bathmats, and put them back out. He shit on them. I chased the cat and washed them again. He soiled them again. This went on the entire four years. My darling husband - he started picking the bathmats up when Othello wanted to drink from the tub faucet, just to keep the peace.

Next was the Countertop Flying Lessons. I grew up always having cats around. They were never allowed on the kitchen table or counters, as this is considered unsanitary where I'm from. Hubby had been feeding Othello right up on the counter, and letting him drink from the running tap in the kitchen sink for years. He'd also get the cat a drink of water - get this - IN A GLASS (animals eating/drinking out of dishware grosses me out). Hubby would set the glass in the sink, and the cat would drink. I tried to convert the cat to eating from pet dishes on the floor. The cat refused to drink, and kept jumping up on the counters to look for his food. I'd set him down. He'd jump back up. Soon, he was taking flying lessons off the end of the counter. I think that cat had a degree in aviation by the time I won that battle!

Othello was the reason our windows have no screens. He shredded them long before I met Hubby. If Othello wanted to come back in the house in the middle of the night, he'd jump up and rake his claws down the vinyl window frame at our bedroom window. Now that, my friends, is a hell of a sound! It's like "OK! OK! I'm up, I'm up and I'm opening the door, just don't DO that again!" I suppose we'll be getting more sleep now, but that's not that big a deal right this minute.

Not everything was bad with Othello. He was quite a comical and quirky cat, when you get right down to it. He loved to drink from the tub, as I've mentioned. The water had to be a slow stream, and he'd stand in the tub in front of the stream of water, stick his cupped paw in, and pull the water to his mouth. It was adorable! He also used to tap us to get our attention. The first time he did it to me was in the middle of the night. We had pulled the mattress out into the living room in front of the couch so we could sleep near the crackling fireplace. I dozed off, and after a while, just about jumped off the bed - Othello was sitting on the couch above my head, and had reached down with his paw and tapped me on the head. When I sat up, I looked back to see what had hit me, and Othello was looking at me like, "Well?". Hubby laughed himself silly. Apparently, this was Othello's customary way of asking for a drink or to go out at night. I didn't think it was very funny at 3am, but later, I had many chances to observe Othello doing this to hubby, and it really was adorable. He'd get the most thoughtful look on his face, and oh-so-gently reach out and nudge hubby's face. If hubby was at the computer, the cat would reach up and nudge his elbow. Sweet.

About eight months ago, we spent $1500 at the vet for Othello. He needed surgery. He had somehow put a hole in his diaphragm, and his gallbladder had gotten pulled partway through and was being squeezed. We didn't know that at the time, though. All the vet knew for sure was that his bilirubin and blood pressure were high. Hubby wasn't ready to let Othello go yet, so we did the surgery. We're glad we did, since it turned out to be an injury that was relatively easy to fix. It was a close call, though, and I think it did a lot to prepare Hubby for losing Othello.

Othello moved to Colorado and back with Hubby. He got loose in a hotel parking lot on the way back, and amazingly wasn't killed (highway very close by) before he was recaptured. Othello once fell asleep in the back of a neighbor's car, and the neighbor got down the road and almost had heart failure when Othello jumped up on the back of the driver's seat and tapped him on the shoulder.

Othello, honey, you had spunk. While we didn't always see eye to eye, you were an interesting part of our family. We'll miss you, baby.

Rest easy, now little one.

Divine Secrets

Mood: Contemplative
Movie: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Well, obviously, I survived the railroad-spike-through-the-head-puke-your-guts-out-then-pass-out headache. Don't want to experience that one again any time soon!

I don't know what it is about that Ya-Ya movie that gets me. It's so...true...on so many levels. I see myself and my mother in there, for sure. But I wonder if maybe most women do, in some way. I think I'd like to watch it with my mother....but then again, maybe not. Maybe some things are better left undisturbed. I don't know.

In Titanic, the line that caught me most was "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets..." So true. The secrets we keep from our families, our spouses, our children...and ourselves......I don't know if it's tact or self-preservation.

I finally shared one of my secrets with my mother. It involved her. I was rather surprised when she said "You didn't think I knew that?"

The big secret was that I had hated her for years, and that the reason for it was that she'd lock herself in the bathroom and cry while my dad would beat the crap out of me. I felt so betrayed that my mother wouldn't protect me. I thought that she felt I was unworthy of her love and protection; and that profoundly affected so much in my life. It was only after being in an abusive marriage that I finally understood what SHE had been going through - the powerless, helpless feeling. The perspective was enlightening, and allowed me to begin mending my relationship with my mother. I have a long way to go, though, before I can completely let go of what it all cost me. I can forgive her action, but it's hard to forgive her for never offering any reassurance that I was indeed loved, or any explanation for why she'd leave me to fend for myself like that. She simply let me hate her, and let me continue to feel unloved.

Secrets.

There are people out there who will say 'honesty is the best policy'. But is a secret really dishonest?

Imagine if all the secrets in the world were somehow exposed. I think the chaos that would ensue would be astounding! No more secrets between friends, lovers, families, governments, businesses......there'd be a lot of folks running to cover their asses!

Well, I'll leave all that to your imagination. I've got to head to bed early because I'll have two extra kids all day tomorrow, and I'll need every bit of rest and patience I can muster to handle five kids! Wish me luck!

Memories

Mood: Introspective
Music: Evanescence

I've been thinking lately that I have a very strange mental filing system. There's SO much I can't remember - things I think I should remember. And then there are odd things that I remember - small, insignificant things that you'd think would just get lost in obscurity.

For example, in my junior year of high school, we (the marching band) got to go to Disney World in Florida to march in one of the Magic Music Days parades. We were there for a week. All I remember about that trip are a couple of the rides at Disney, and the fact that one of our drum majors got sun poisoning. That's it. I don't remember the parade, the hotel, the beach at Daytona, who I roomed with....nothing. But I can remember every note and step of our music and drill from my freshman year of high school.

There are tons of those type of things in (or missing from) my memory. Huge events just swept away, with meaningless minutae left behind. And it BUGS me to no end!!!

I was a majorette when I was young - probably around 6 or 8 years old. I have one image in my head of seeing....................holy shit! I JUST remembered being in a different group....I can't remember what they were called....but I switched from baton to pom-poms, and they were yellow and red and we practiced in a little room somewhere..this was after being a majorette for a while - we had moved. I couldn't tell you if we ever marched in a parade or performed, but I just had a flash of being in that practice room as I was thinking about the first image - which was also a practice room, but much larger. Anyway, with the first group, I have a flash of a practice room and the sound of the taps on the tips of our little white boots.

And I really have to go now - my head just exploded.....it feels like someone just slammed a railroad spike through my forehead.

I'm Gonna Have a Runnin' Fit

Mood: Irritated
Music: none

I'm so freaking aggravated right now - I just feel like I'm going to fly apart into a million pieces!!!!!

The kids have been driving me CRAZY!! All week, Little Man (son, 14 mos) has been teething, and by now, he has the corresponding rash and now THAT is making him howl. I feel bad for the kid, but whenever he howls like that....it's like my brain short circuits - I simply can't even THINK! That alone is enough to make crispy critters of my nerves, but add to it Blondie (oldest daughter, 8) and Little Red (youngest daughter, 5) bickering all week and I'm just a basket case.

I've had enough. Mommy needs a vacation. Send out the lifeboats.

I'm so frazzled I can't even settle down now that they are all (mercifully) asleep. Maybe running around the house a few dozen times will help - I just don't know.

Wait - maybe I do know. But I can't do it (not THAT, gutterbrain - THAT is the last thing I need right now!). What I need is one of those huge garden tubs full of bubble bath so I can soak and soak and soak for a few hours. The puny little bathtub we have just doesn't cut it, you know? A gal needs to be able to totally submerge - not leave her knees sticking out like two vocanic islands! Anyway, that's one of my absolute requirements for the house we plan to build in a couple years. It MUST have an oversized tub - whirpool jets would be nice, too, although I plan on having a hot tub in the next house, too.

If I can just....hang...on...for....two...more....years....

Nevermind the sound of weeping. Hand over the tissues and turn off the light when you leave.

How Cool!

One of my regulars submitted my blog to the 11th New Blog Showcase.

How neat is that?

Thanks, ZiPpo!
(btw - his blog is "Actual Miles" - see link at right)

Like Sands Through the Hourglass....yadda, yadda, yadda

Mood: not sure, really
Music: none at the moment

Wow - time really does get away from me! I swear a week goes by in a blink, and it's not because I'm busy. It's mostly because one day looks very much like any other! My life is a run-on sentence, punctuated here and there by board meetings (twice a month), pediatrician appointments (once every 3 months), and weekends, when I notice this guy I seem to remember marrying hanging around.

I was going to write on Sunday about this ...well, epiphany of sorts, but I got so wrapped up in the experience that I forgot to write about it. So here is the delayed version, even though I might not be able to capture the wonder in quite the same way.

We had painted the porch and done a lot of work on the flower bed in front of the house. For Mother's Day, I was treated to whatever plants I wanted to complete the overall project. I chose two very large hanging baskets: a fuschia and some phlox hybrid that smells heavenly. I also chose a large hibiscus in a pot and a small plant called "Ace of Spades" that I planted in a hanging basket I had at the house already. We hung up the plants, potted the ace of spades, tucked the hibiscus into a spot where it wouldn't get tipped over, pulled a couple of stray weeds, and watered everything.

It was mid-evening, and the sun was hanging about six inches over the horizon. The play of light and shadow was just gorgeous. I stood back to take a look at the overall effect of the garden and freshly-painted porch. It was just SO perfect, I was stunned. And then I thought, "We did this?" It was amazing to me that we had created such a pleasant and inviting area, because, while we were doing each stage of it, there was no hint that it would be so incredibly beautiful! It's like that (warning: the following contains geeky references) game that Vulcans play -darned if I remember the name, I want to say Kalto - it's the one with all the sticks, and when you get it right, this bunch of little sticks forms itself into polyhedral shape. It's all Spatial Harmonics, but in essence, that's what happened with the front of my house. It's like we put in the last thing and POOF! Beautiful harmony!

And in the midst of all this perfection, I began to count my blessings, and take stock of how truly beautiful life can be. It was a moment of utter contentment. I wasn't worrying about bills. I wasn't feeling frustrated with the kids. I was counting my blessings and feeling like the richest person in the world, standing right there in my own front yard.

Feeling this happy and content and positive is unusual for me. Far too many bad things happened to me in youth, and the world lost its wonder and shine a loooonnnng time ago. It's so wonderful now to finally be able to heal from some of that enough to begin seeing the beauty in life again!

Now, I'm not going to kid myself. The shine of that moment is already wearing off. The ugliness of life is asserting itself again. But it's nice to have the picture in my heart of that front garden to take out and look at when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Like today.

Hodgepodge

Mood: indecisive
Music: none - can't decide what to listen to

It's one of those days. I want to listen to music, but can't decide what to listen to, or even pick a genre. I want to play a computer game, but can't decide which one. Do I want Chess, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Sacred, or just goof off on pogo.com? Who knows - I certainly don't!

I wonder if maybe this mood is just a sign that my brain is otherwise occupied and can't be bothered right now to commit resources to such frivolity.

Oh....that reminds me of my old boss.

When I was a paralegal, the other paralegals and I would gather each morning after the attorney left for court and have a sort of hen-session. Once in a while, the boss would forget something, have to come back, and catch us in the act - usually while we were laughing our butts off over something he said, etc. He'd pop his head in, scowl, and say "There's entirely too much frivolity in here!" Which, of course, would send us off laughing as soon as he left again.

Anyway - I'm going to go find something engaging to do. Talk amongst yourselves...

Parental Psychosis

Mood: affectionate humor
Music: none (unless you count the soft whirring of the computer fan)

My husband - bless his heart - has been bugging me relentlessly about our son's speech (or lack thereof). The little guy is only 13 months old, but DH seems to think he should be a master orator by now. ::chuckle::

I attribute this to the fact that DH and I got together when my youngest daughter -DD2-(previous marriage) was 18 months old. At the time, she was giving grandios speeches ... ok, she was just talking in sentences, but still - quite ahead of the game. So DH just assumes that DS should be at least spouting out random words. So far, though, all we have is "Mama", "Daddy", "hi", "ok", and something that sounds like DD2's name. DH is diligent in his encouragement, though, and keeps trying to get DS to say things like "sphegmometer" (which DD1 could say at almost 2 - story for another time).

Our son is my husband's first child and my third, so we are at opposite ends of the spectrum of parental psychosis. To DH, everything has the potential to trigger an all-out parental panic attack.
Him: "Should he have that"?
Me: "Have what"?
Him: "The can of cat food".
Me: "Is it open"?
Him: "No".
Me: "He must be teething - he's happy, let him be".
Him: "But what if he gets it open"?
Me: "Honey, I can't even get those things open - he's fine".
Him: "But......"

And on we go until I remind him that I've gotten two other children through this same stage, and that they're perfectly fine.

Of course, it doesn't help DH's 'condition' when DS does things like this:

I'm standing in Wal Mart, and my cell phone rings. It's DH.

Him: "Um, how close are you to being done"?
Me: "I'll be heading to the checkout soon, why"?
Him: "Well, DS woke up from his nap an hour ago and hasn't stopped screaming since".

So I head for home. I go pounding up the front steps and fling open the door, only to be greeted with......

Silence.

Me: "I thought you said he was screaming"!
Him: "He WAS - right up until he heard you pull in the driveway".

Sure enough - DS had red eyes and residual tears. And a great big grin on his face. He looked calmly up at me and held out his arms in that adorable 'pick me up' thing that tiny ones do.

That's my boy!

Restlessness

Mood: restless / petulant
Music: 80's music channel on DirecTV

I don't know what I feel like doing. I keep flitting from playing computer games, to shopping online, to working on my afghan, to scrapbooking and back again. I can't seem to settle on one activity. It's been this way all day. I went out shopping, and brought home more scrapbooking stuff (and I only went to buy a new shower curtain....).

I hate this mood. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I find something to do that engrosses me for a while. Maybe I can find a good movie in my collection or on pay-per-view. Then again, I'd hate to rent a movie and then walk away from it because I can't seem to settle down.

It's too dang hot in this house!!!!

Ok - I'd better stop writing. I guess I'm more ornery than I realized.

Gonna go have a runnin' fit now.

Picky in Print

Mood: mildly annoyed / picky
Music: 80's music channel on DirecTV

I've been surfing Blog Explosion this evening. I wanted to see what everybody's been up to lately, since I've not been blogging for a while. It was nice to catch up with several I used to regularly read, and find new blogs to add to the regular rounds. The only downside was the filthy language.

Now, I don't mean this in the ordinary sense. I mean the rampant misspelling of the word 'lose' as L-O-O-S-E.

Please tell me that schools haven't disintegrated so far as to fail to teach basic spelling and word usage to an entire generation! I'd love to believe that it's just a typo, but I've seen it far too often for it to be unintentional.

Oh, and another one that gets me is the abuse of the apostrophe. It's everywhere! I've seen restaurant menus that had "pizza's" and produce stands with huge signs declaring they had "strawberry's" (strawberry's what, I always wonder). It's just not that difficult to pluralize words, folks! I mean, whatever happened to "change the y to i and add es"?

Maybe I'm just a spelling snob, but after seeing about a dozen misspellings, I start tuning out whatever I'm reading and mentally writing the author off as ignorant. Now, I know there is an article floating around that has a paragraph entirely misspelled, but argues that if the first and last letters are right, the brain will fill in the proper word. But that doesn't make spelling irrelevant in my book. After all, I'm sure we could all communicate in grunts and Charades gestures, but, obviously, we (most of us) use language to intelligently, precisely and efficiently convey thoughts and ideas.

I think we need to continue to hold ourselves and our children to a higher standard.

That being said, I'm going to climb down off my soapbox now. Anybody else want it? It's still warm....

Just Like Starting Over

Mood: Introspective

New blog = fresh start. This is my second attempt at a blog. I got bogged down and bored with my other blog. It just wasn't ....me. It didn't feel right.

This time, I give myself full permission to bounce around from mood to mood and topic to topic (or topic to mood or mood to topic, even).

Are there a lot of people out there who, like me, are struggling to express the inner voice(s)? It seems I can't settle on one narrative style, one aspect of me to speak for all.

My personal theme song is Meredith Brooks' "Bitch". If I had to choose one song to introduce myself with, that would be it. I've always been too many contradictory things in one body. It makes for some interesting (read: painful/heartbreaking) internal struggles, let me tell you!

Some of my contradictions:

• I'm not a girly-girl by any means, but put a big ole bathtub full of hot water and suds in front of me and you won't get me out of it for hours.
• Deep down, I'm...well, an insatiable slut; but past abuse keeps me from expressing it, even with my husband.
• I hate being told what to do and losing control of a situation, but feel most free when restrained (which would freak dear hubby out).
• I'm an adult crayon snob.
• I would like life to be simple, but I go out of my way to complicate things (subconsciously for the most part, although I've caught myself doing it before).
• I tend to be a perfectionist, but my house is a mess (perfecting disaster, perhaps?).

Some days I don't make sense to myself.

So anyway, pull up a chair, beanbag, bench, stool, sofa, magic carpet, or whatever your pleasure is, and introduce yourself.