Divine Secrets

Mood: Contemplative
Movie: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Well, obviously, I survived the railroad-spike-through-the-head-puke-your-guts-out-then-pass-out headache. Don't want to experience that one again any time soon!

I don't know what it is about that Ya-Ya movie that gets me. It's so...true...on so many levels. I see myself and my mother in there, for sure. But I wonder if maybe most women do, in some way. I think I'd like to watch it with my mother....but then again, maybe not. Maybe some things are better left undisturbed. I don't know.

In Titanic, the line that caught me most was "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets..." So true. The secrets we keep from our families, our spouses, our children...and ourselves......I don't know if it's tact or self-preservation.

I finally shared one of my secrets with my mother. It involved her. I was rather surprised when she said "You didn't think I knew that?"

The big secret was that I had hated her for years, and that the reason for it was that she'd lock herself in the bathroom and cry while my dad would beat the crap out of me. I felt so betrayed that my mother wouldn't protect me. I thought that she felt I was unworthy of her love and protection; and that profoundly affected so much in my life. It was only after being in an abusive marriage that I finally understood what SHE had been going through - the powerless, helpless feeling. The perspective was enlightening, and allowed me to begin mending my relationship with my mother. I have a long way to go, though, before I can completely let go of what it all cost me. I can forgive her action, but it's hard to forgive her for never offering any reassurance that I was indeed loved, or any explanation for why she'd leave me to fend for myself like that. She simply let me hate her, and let me continue to feel unloved.

Secrets.

There are people out there who will say 'honesty is the best policy'. But is a secret really dishonest?

Imagine if all the secrets in the world were somehow exposed. I think the chaos that would ensue would be astounding! No more secrets between friends, lovers, families, governments, businesses......there'd be a lot of folks running to cover their asses!

Well, I'll leave all that to your imagination. I've got to head to bed early because I'll have two extra kids all day tomorrow, and I'll need every bit of rest and patience I can muster to handle five kids! Wish me luck!