Mood: Retrospective
Music: none
Ten years ago today, I was in a car accident.
I was four months pregnant with my second child at the time. My then 2-year-old daughter was in her car seat in the back. Fortunately, the girls were both okay. Aside from losing consciousness for a few minutes, some whiplash, and some other issues with my back that still nag from time to time, I was physically okay, too. We were lucky - it could have been far, far worse.
Looking back, I have a half-formed idea in my head of a sort of parallel between the situation in which the accident occurred, and my life at the time. A sort of overlay on the whole thing.
It was a Tuesday afternoon. I was working for H&R Block, and had an evening shift since we were also living in and managing a small motel in Erie (we lived in the house on the grounds). It was payday at HRB, and I was going to go pick up my sister in one direction before heading the other direction to the office to pick up my check, go to the bank, and take her out to lunch.
I was trying to pull out of the motel parking lot. Where it was situated, there was an intersection to the right, and the right turn lane began just after the driveway. It was a fairly busy time of day, and I was trying to make a left turn. This meant crossing two eastbound lanes of traffic to enter the other two westbound lanes. Not fun even when it's not lunch hour.
The light had turned red, and I had been watching up along the line of traffic to a banked curve, where I had a nice view of both oncoming lanes (to my left). A white van had stopped just before the driveway to leave me room to get out, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him motioning. I glanced to see him waving me around, indicating I could pull out and make my turn.
I nodded, turned my head to look left again (habit), and saw a little green car coming up the shoulder right at me! The dumbass was trying to cut up along the shoulder (and across the driveway, where I was sitting) to get to the right turn lane. Well, the van driver had given me the all clear, I could still see the curve beyond the green car and it was clear, so rather than get hit by the green car, I pulled out. Mind you, this all happened in the space of seconds.
I pulled out and heard the single most horrendous sound I've ever heard in my life, accompanied by another sound that took me a second to recognize - my own scream. It took seeing the white hood of my car come up in front of my windshield (it had folded) for me to realize I'd just been plowed into. After that, it was in slow motion and silent - the hood of the car lowering and the blue Ford F250 that had hit me coming into view as our cars bounced back a bit, the slow, slow skid as his momentum carried us a few feet, the odd little hop of the truck body up, then down as it came to a stop.
And then suddenly, everything was at normal speed and terribly loud. I could hear the engine of my car revved up, roaring like it was redlining. I distinctly remember thinking "That's not a good sound for it to make" and reaching up to shut it off. I shut it off, dropped my hand away from the ignition, and that's the last thing I remember until a young guy, probably in his early 20s, managed to pry open the door on the passenger side about a foot and squeeze in beside me. I looked around, and there was chaos everywhere - fire trucks, an ambulance, people in yellow firecoats all over the place. And I was stunned. But it didn't occur to me at that point to really wonder where they'd all come from, or how long it had taken them all to get there.
This guy starts asking me questions, starting with "are you okay?" and I just automatically nodded out of habit, not really having figured that part out yet, or even bothered to wonder about it myself. He asked me if I'd lost consciousness and I said no. It wasn't until later that I realized that I obviously had, and didn't realize it. I think by this time, I was probably in a bit of shock, because everything had a sort of surreal, dreamlike quality to it.
A fireman managed to open the driver's side door and asked me if I was okay, and I said "I think so" and my hand automatically dropped to my belly - I was 4 months pregnant, not to the obviously showing part yet. His eyes got big and he asked if I was pregnant and I told him yes. Well, after that, everybody freaked out. They wanted me to go to the hospital. In the meantime, mention of the pregnancy had reminded me that my 2 year old was in the back seat behind me (she'd been quiet this whole time), and I was a bit alarmed, trying to get turned around to see if she was okay, and the EMS folks were alarmed, trying to get me to go to the hospital. Chaos for a bit.
I got turned around, and there was a woman who looked remarkably like my aunt talking to my daughter. My daughter was absolutely fine - she wasn't upset at all! She was chattering away at this woman, laughing and smiling as though nothing had happened! I was utterly relieved, and SO grateful that this woman (who was part of the ambulance crew) had thought to check on her and keep her occupied and calm (while I was pretty much a zombie).
Well, they made me sign a form that I refused to go to the hospital. I would have gone, but what would I have done with my daughter? My husband at the time was out with my sister's husband, looking for a part for a car they were fixing. I couldn't very well leave my daughter unsupervised, and I would have worried about where she was if anyone offered to watch her while I went to the ER. So, I didn't go, but made promises that I would go see my doctor. Which I did (be proud of me).
Anyway, things seemed okay. So then they had me get out of the car so they could move it back out of the road. I did, and was standing off to the side with a couple of the firefighters as another bunch of them pulled the vehicles apart (the truck had actually ridden up onto my car a bit, so I think there was a tow truck pulling on the truck). I was fine, until they got the vehicles apart and I saw what was left of my car. That's when I fell apart. I was hysterical. I was hyperventilating and kept saying "oh my god, my husband's going to kill me" and "oh my god, my car!". I was starting to lose the ability to stand up, and the guys sorta dragged me over to sit on the porch, and that wonderfully helpful woman came over and helped me calm down. Bless her!
Well, after that, they were making arrangements to tow the car. They were chaining it up to a truck, and I had to get stuff out of the car. My daughter was still in the car seat, since we all agreed she'd be safer there than running around the scene. I was in shock. Trying to think of what was important enough to get out of there. My husband's tile tools were in there - he couldn't work without them. And if you've ever been in an accident, you know that every single item that is under the seats comes out. And you find yourself with a hell of a lot more stuff than you ever dreamed was in your car.
So I'm sorting through this stuff, taking things out and shuffling over to the porch with them. I lean into the passenger side back seat and am gathering things when someone starts unbuckling my daughter. I start objecting, saying "Hey! Leave her there!", and by the time I get my head up, my voice dies away and I'm washed with a feeling of utter relief. It was my husband. I immediately said "I'm sorry". (yeah, yeah, I know)
He asked why they were getting the car ready to haul away, and I told him they were taking it to some yard somewhere. He said "Hun, we run this place. The car can sit in the back corner of the parking lot for now." I blinked, then yelled at the salvage people "Hey! Unhook this thing!". I felt like they'd been trying to take advantage of me, despite the fact they had no way of knowing it was okay to leave the car there.
So anyway, that was the accident itself. Then the trips to the doctor, the chiropractor, etc. We were moving to NC in a month, and were down to one vehicle. I went to work that same night of the accident, even though I couldn't stop shaking. Dressed up in my office attire, shaking like a leaf, doing taxes. I'm an idiot.
The thing that catches me now, though, is that at the time, we were planning on moving to NC. Tile jobs were few and far between for the ex. We had come back to PA for a year, after living in NC a year, and now were headed back to NC again.
PA or NC. The green car or what's beyond the white van. Either choice, you end up smashed, but at least the path of the van had odds of being clear. And that's sort of how we viewed the move to NC. We were barely surviving in PA, and NC held the chance that the ex would be able to find work. The coastal area is huge for building, and they put a lot of tile in those big beach houses. But there were no guarantees.
Fortunately, NC worked out better than what lay beyond the white van! We still ended up 'smashed'...it was November 4 of that same year that I began the process of getting away from him. By April of the next year, I was on my own with a 3 year old and a baby. Maybe the accident was part of what made me reevaluate things, I don't know.
After about a year, I met my current husband, and about 8 months after that, moved to where I am now. For the first time in my life, I've lived in one house for more than 2 years. I've lived here for 7-1/2 years now, and while the place has seemingly shrunk as our family has expanded....it's home.
And the driveway is far from a busy intersection.
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Relief?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Finally. After what has become a blurry length of time.....a peaceful night's sleep. Dreamless. Restful.
I woke this morning feeling not so much like a new person, but like a person who has been granted some sort of reprieve - like someone covered the spikes in the bed for one night. I don't feel tormented and confused this morning. A little fragile, yes, but the kind that will solidify if given the chance.
My body feels different. I didn't realize I was carrying around that much tension, but the absence of it is astonishingly noticeable. I move freely. I realize now that I had been walking around as though something hurt inside. I guess it did, but I didn't figure it was that severe. Now, not having that stiff, careful quality to my movements...I feel almost like dancing.
But for now, I just want to sit here and take stock of things and enjoy the liberated feeling. At least until I have to start dealing with the things I stopped tending to during all this. I think I can do that, though, with this sun that has come out from behind those big, dark clouds.
I woke this morning feeling not so much like a new person, but like a person who has been granted some sort of reprieve - like someone covered the spikes in the bed for one night. I don't feel tormented and confused this morning. A little fragile, yes, but the kind that will solidify if given the chance.
My body feels different. I didn't realize I was carrying around that much tension, but the absence of it is astonishingly noticeable. I move freely. I realize now that I had been walking around as though something hurt inside. I guess it did, but I didn't figure it was that severe. Now, not having that stiff, careful quality to my movements...I feel almost like dancing.
But for now, I just want to sit here and take stock of things and enjoy the liberated feeling. At least until I have to start dealing with the things I stopped tending to during all this. I think I can do that, though, with this sun that has come out from behind those big, dark clouds.
Labels:
Introspection
In the Absence of Affection...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
..there is a certain numbness, an anesthetic of the heart that allows you to go on functioning as if you were whole. As if the spouse that you have is everything you need, as if the children you birthed were the sunshine and light they are supposed to be, and as if you weren't dying inside.
Then there are times when that anesthetic wears off, and you're left with the aching, empty reality that nobody in your real life really loves you in the way you need.
A husband and family are no guarantee that there will be affection or love. Husband comes home, eats supper, and goes to bed. A kiss before bed, customary, expected, and lacking real warmth. No holding as we sleep, no snuggles, and nothing resembling intimacy or sex.
We make plans for the economic stimulus money that's coming. We pay bills, we discuss getting a small pool for the back yard so I can teach the kids to swim. All on the surface, all mundane.
There's no yelling, no arguing. We just ignore the elephant in the bedroom. The one takes up all the space in the bed. The elephant created by our very different sexual needs and expectations.
I don't know what he needs anymore. Obviously, it's not me.
I need the warmth and scent of male skin against mine, the touches, caresses and contact that make me feel real. Feel loved. Feel desired. I need the passion that makes a wobbly kitchen table seem like the perfect place for sex. I need the fire that makes me feel alive...instead of this awful deadness.
Those zombies in my dreams? I think they are what is happening to me, little by little. They say to me "accept the inevitable death of your heart, your soul, compassion, affection, and the ability to give a shit about anything or anyone".
Then there are times when that anesthetic wears off, and you're left with the aching, empty reality that nobody in your real life really loves you in the way you need.
A husband and family are no guarantee that there will be affection or love. Husband comes home, eats supper, and goes to bed. A kiss before bed, customary, expected, and lacking real warmth. No holding as we sleep, no snuggles, and nothing resembling intimacy or sex.
We make plans for the economic stimulus money that's coming. We pay bills, we discuss getting a small pool for the back yard so I can teach the kids to swim. All on the surface, all mundane.
There's no yelling, no arguing. We just ignore the elephant in the bedroom. The one takes up all the space in the bed. The elephant created by our very different sexual needs and expectations.
I don't know what he needs anymore. Obviously, it's not me.
I need the warmth and scent of male skin against mine, the touches, caresses and contact that make me feel real. Feel loved. Feel desired. I need the passion that makes a wobbly kitchen table seem like the perfect place for sex. I need the fire that makes me feel alive...instead of this awful deadness.
Those zombies in my dreams? I think they are what is happening to me, little by little. They say to me "accept the inevitable death of your heart, your soul, compassion, affection, and the ability to give a shit about anything or anyone".
Labels:
Introspection,
Moody Rants
"I can't hold on to me, wonder what's wrong with me.."
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. Or any day lately for that matter. There's just this..utter apathy. I take even less interest in anything than usual. I'm restless, but I don't know what I might want to do. I do know I want to sleep ..and sleep and sleep. I talk to only a couple of people now, and even they are hearing from me less and less.
I know. I'm depressed. As usual. And I know Marcus would say "go talk to somebody"...but what he doesn't understand is that doing that would require far, far more of me than I'm able to give right now. First there's the phone call - having to talk to some receptionist and tell them you want to make an appointment about depression. Gawd, the thought of that alone is enough to make me say 'no thanks'. I'm depressed, yes, but I don't wanna really tell anybody. Gawd, how vile. But let's assume for the sake of argument that I would do such a thing. Well, then there's the appointment itself. Pile Will into the Jeep and drive all the way somewhere, probably in the city, where I hate to go. New places, having to deal with more people...it's just too much. And then there would be the appointment itself. I mean, what the hell do you say? I'm depressed. And when asked why, I have no answer except that this is how I am. Chronically depressed. And I don't really wanna talk about it. So what good is a shrink?
I'm beginning to think that my period of gung-ho "let's fix the house, our life, etc" was nothing more than mania. I do that from time to time. I think I'm going to change my whole life around, get it all together, etc....and I start doing it, all with the best of intentions. And then, for no reason, it all crashes. I get apathetic again and all my changes fall by the wayside. And then I'm depressed again, and feeling even more like I'm a failure.
I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I WANT to do something about it. I know that others expect me to be different than this, though. But I rarely care about what other people want from me. Does this mean I'm going to live an unproductive life? I don't know.
The complete lyrics for my post title line are as follows:
"Lithium" by Evanescence
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness or let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go
Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, stay in love with you
Oh I'm gonna let it go
I know. I'm depressed. As usual. And I know Marcus would say "go talk to somebody"...but what he doesn't understand is that doing that would require far, far more of me than I'm able to give right now. First there's the phone call - having to talk to some receptionist and tell them you want to make an appointment about depression. Gawd, the thought of that alone is enough to make me say 'no thanks'. I'm depressed, yes, but I don't wanna really tell anybody. Gawd, how vile. But let's assume for the sake of argument that I would do such a thing. Well, then there's the appointment itself. Pile Will into the Jeep and drive all the way somewhere, probably in the city, where I hate to go. New places, having to deal with more people...it's just too much. And then there would be the appointment itself. I mean, what the hell do you say? I'm depressed. And when asked why, I have no answer except that this is how I am. Chronically depressed. And I don't really wanna talk about it. So what good is a shrink?
I'm beginning to think that my period of gung-ho "let's fix the house, our life, etc" was nothing more than mania. I do that from time to time. I think I'm going to change my whole life around, get it all together, etc....and I start doing it, all with the best of intentions. And then, for no reason, it all crashes. I get apathetic again and all my changes fall by the wayside. And then I'm depressed again, and feeling even more like I'm a failure.
I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I WANT to do something about it. I know that others expect me to be different than this, though. But I rarely care about what other people want from me. Does this mean I'm going to live an unproductive life? I don't know.
The complete lyrics for my post title line are as follows:
"Lithium" by Evanescence
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness or let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go
Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, stay in love with you
Oh I'm gonna let it go
Labels:
Introspection,
Moody Rants
Restless Futility
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm unhappy for any number of reasons, and I want something to change, or want to change something, but it all seems so futile to even try anymore. I thought Lance and I had drawn closer as a couple - we both commented on how much better we felt after the cruise. And then last night, he comes home and rips everyone's head off about the house, becoming a total tyrant again. And like a flower wilting suddenly, I felt my heart just shrivel up again.
It's clear that my worth is only equal to my ability to keep house, and since I suck at that, I am worthless.
It's clear that my worth is only equal to my ability to keep house, and since I suck at that, I am worthless.
Labels:
Family,
Introspection
Misery Wishes for Company
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Tired this morning. I SO just wanted to turn the alarm clock off, roll over, and go back to sleep. But I had to get the girls to school - today's an early release day, though, so maybe I'll take a nap once they get back this afternoon.
It's not just a physical tired, though. It's sort of an emotional tired, too. Maybe I read too much erotica last night? It makes me all horny and starts me yearning for things I can't have, and I think there's a sort of aftercrash that comes with that. Once the fantasy wears off, reality sets in and leaves me unhappy and tired of not being able to have the kind of sex, affection and love that I want.
This is one of those moods where it's hard to talk to people. Talking to you only rubs the whole miserable feeling in, and I can't handle that when I'm like this. I'm restless, unsettled, still wanting and still unsatisfied. It's a horrible way to feel.
Maybe I'll go lay down for a while and let my mind create some soothing fantasy. Something simple, like letting myself imagine that the weight of the blankets and the softness of the bedding that cradles me is really the comforting arms of someone who gives a shit.
It's not just a physical tired, though. It's sort of an emotional tired, too. Maybe I read too much erotica last night? It makes me all horny and starts me yearning for things I can't have, and I think there's a sort of aftercrash that comes with that. Once the fantasy wears off, reality sets in and leaves me unhappy and tired of not being able to have the kind of sex, affection and love that I want.
This is one of those moods where it's hard to talk to people. Talking to you only rubs the whole miserable feeling in, and I can't handle that when I'm like this. I'm restless, unsettled, still wanting and still unsatisfied. It's a horrible way to feel.
Maybe I'll go lay down for a while and let my mind create some soothing fantasy. Something simple, like letting myself imagine that the weight of the blankets and the softness of the bedding that cradles me is really the comforting arms of someone who gives a shit.
Labels:
Introspection,
Moody Rants
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