Mood: Contemplative
Movie: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Well, obviously, I survived the railroad-spike-through-the-head-puke-your-guts-out-then-pass-out headache. Don't want to experience that one again any time soon!
I don't know what it is about that Ya-Ya movie that gets me. It's so...true...on so many levels. I see myself and my mother in there, for sure. But I wonder if maybe most women do, in some way. I think I'd like to watch it with my mother....but then again, maybe not. Maybe some things are better left undisturbed. I don't know.
In Titanic, the line that caught me most was "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets..." So true. The secrets we keep from our families, our spouses, our children...and ourselves......I don't know if it's tact or self-preservation.
I finally shared one of my secrets with my mother. It involved her. I was rather surprised when she said "You didn't think I knew that?"
The big secret was that I had hated her for years, and that the reason for it was that she'd lock herself in the bathroom and cry while my dad would beat the crap out of me. I felt so betrayed that my mother wouldn't protect me. I thought that she felt I was unworthy of her love and protection; and that profoundly affected so much in my life. It was only after being in an abusive marriage that I finally understood what SHE had been going through - the powerless, helpless feeling. The perspective was enlightening, and allowed me to begin mending my relationship with my mother. I have a long way to go, though, before I can completely let go of what it all cost me. I can forgive her action, but it's hard to forgive her for never offering any reassurance that I was indeed loved, or any explanation for why she'd leave me to fend for myself like that. She simply let me hate her, and let me continue to feel unloved.
Secrets.
There are people out there who will say 'honesty is the best policy'. But is a secret really dishonest?
Imagine if all the secrets in the world were somehow exposed. I think the chaos that would ensue would be astounding! No more secrets between friends, lovers, families, governments, businesses......there'd be a lot of folks running to cover their asses!
Well, I'll leave all that to your imagination. I've got to head to bed early because I'll have two extra kids all day tomorrow, and I'll need every bit of rest and patience I can muster to handle five kids! Wish me luck!
Memories
Monday, May 23, 2005
Mood: Introspective
Music: Evanescence
I've been thinking lately that I have a very strange mental filing system. There's SO much I can't remember - things I think I should remember. And then there are odd things that I remember - small, insignificant things that you'd think would just get lost in obscurity.
For example, in my junior year of high school, we (the marching band) got to go to Disney World in Florida to march in one of the Magic Music Days parades. We were there for a week. All I remember about that trip are a couple of the rides at Disney, and the fact that one of our drum majors got sun poisoning. That's it. I don't remember the parade, the hotel, the beach at Daytona, who I roomed with....nothing. But I can remember every note and step of our music and drill from my freshman year of high school.
There are tons of those type of things in (or missing from) my memory. Huge events just swept away, with meaningless minutae left behind. And it BUGS me to no end!!!
I was a majorette when I was young - probably around 6 or 8 years old. I have one image in my head of seeing....................holy shit! I JUST remembered being in a different group....I can't remember what they were called....but I switched from baton to pom-poms, and they were yellow and red and we practiced in a little room somewhere..this was after being a majorette for a while - we had moved. I couldn't tell you if we ever marched in a parade or performed, but I just had a flash of being in that practice room as I was thinking about the first image - which was also a practice room, but much larger. Anyway, with the first group, I have a flash of a practice room and the sound of the taps on the tips of our little white boots.
And I really have to go now - my head just exploded.....it feels like someone just slammed a railroad spike through my forehead.
Music: Evanescence
I've been thinking lately that I have a very strange mental filing system. There's SO much I can't remember - things I think I should remember. And then there are odd things that I remember - small, insignificant things that you'd think would just get lost in obscurity.
For example, in my junior year of high school, we (the marching band) got to go to Disney World in Florida to march in one of the Magic Music Days parades. We were there for a week. All I remember about that trip are a couple of the rides at Disney, and the fact that one of our drum majors got sun poisoning. That's it. I don't remember the parade, the hotel, the beach at Daytona, who I roomed with....nothing. But I can remember every note and step of our music and drill from my freshman year of high school.
There are tons of those type of things in (or missing from) my memory. Huge events just swept away, with meaningless minutae left behind. And it BUGS me to no end!!!
I was a majorette when I was young - probably around 6 or 8 years old. I have one image in my head of seeing....................holy shit! I JUST remembered being in a different group....I can't remember what they were called....but I switched from baton to pom-poms, and they were yellow and red and we practiced in a little room somewhere..this was after being a majorette for a while - we had moved. I couldn't tell you if we ever marched in a parade or performed, but I just had a flash of being in that practice room as I was thinking about the first image - which was also a practice room, but much larger. Anyway, with the first group, I have a flash of a practice room and the sound of the taps on the tips of our little white boots.
And I really have to go now - my head just exploded.....it feels like someone just slammed a railroad spike through my forehead.
I'm Gonna Have a Runnin' Fit
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Mood: Irritated
Music: none
I'm so freaking aggravated right now - I just feel like I'm going to fly apart into a million pieces!!!!!
The kids have been driving me CRAZY!! All week, Little Man (son, 14 mos) has been teething, and by now, he has the corresponding rash and now THAT is making him howl. I feel bad for the kid, but whenever he howls like that....it's like my brain short circuits - I simply can't even THINK! That alone is enough to make crispy critters of my nerves, but add to it Blondie (oldest daughter, 8) and Little Red (youngest daughter, 5) bickering all week and I'm just a basket case.
I've had enough. Mommy needs a vacation. Send out the lifeboats.
I'm so frazzled I can't even settle down now that they are all (mercifully) asleep. Maybe running around the house a few dozen times will help - I just don't know.
Wait - maybe I do know. But I can't do it (not THAT, gutterbrain - THAT is the last thing I need right now!). What I need is one of those huge garden tubs full of bubble bath so I can soak and soak and soak for a few hours. The puny little bathtub we have just doesn't cut it, you know? A gal needs to be able to totally submerge - not leave her knees sticking out like two vocanic islands! Anyway, that's one of my absolute requirements for the house we plan to build in a couple years. It MUST have an oversized tub - whirpool jets would be nice, too, although I plan on having a hot tub in the next house, too.
If I can just....hang...on...for....two...more....years....
Nevermind the sound of weeping. Hand over the tissues and turn off the light when you leave.
Music: none
I'm so freaking aggravated right now - I just feel like I'm going to fly apart into a million pieces!!!!!
The kids have been driving me CRAZY!! All week, Little Man (son, 14 mos) has been teething, and by now, he has the corresponding rash and now THAT is making him howl. I feel bad for the kid, but whenever he howls like that....it's like my brain short circuits - I simply can't even THINK! That alone is enough to make crispy critters of my nerves, but add to it Blondie (oldest daughter, 8) and Little Red (youngest daughter, 5) bickering all week and I'm just a basket case.
I've had enough. Mommy needs a vacation. Send out the lifeboats.
I'm so frazzled I can't even settle down now that they are all (mercifully) asleep. Maybe running around the house a few dozen times will help - I just don't know.
Wait - maybe I do know. But I can't do it (not THAT, gutterbrain - THAT is the last thing I need right now!). What I need is one of those huge garden tubs full of bubble bath so I can soak and soak and soak for a few hours. The puny little bathtub we have just doesn't cut it, you know? A gal needs to be able to totally submerge - not leave her knees sticking out like two vocanic islands! Anyway, that's one of my absolute requirements for the house we plan to build in a couple years. It MUST have an oversized tub - whirpool jets would be nice, too, although I plan on having a hot tub in the next house, too.
If I can just....hang...on...for....two...more....years....
Nevermind the sound of weeping. Hand over the tissues and turn off the light when you leave.
How Cool!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
One of my regulars submitted my blog to the 11th New Blog Showcase.
How neat is that?
Thanks, ZiPpo!
(btw - his blog is "Actual Miles" - see link at right)
How neat is that?
Thanks, ZiPpo!
(btw - his blog is "Actual Miles" - see link at right)
Like Sands Through the Hourglass....yadda, yadda, yadda
Mood: not sure, really
Music: none at the moment
Wow - time really does get away from me! I swear a week goes by in a blink, and it's not because I'm busy. It's mostly because one day looks very much like any other! My life is a run-on sentence, punctuated here and there by board meetings (twice a month), pediatrician appointments (once every 3 months), and weekends, when I notice this guy I seem to remember marrying hanging around.
I was going to write on Sunday about this ...well, epiphany of sorts, but I got so wrapped up in the experience that I forgot to write about it. So here is the delayed version, even though I might not be able to capture the wonder in quite the same way.
We had painted the porch and done a lot of work on the flower bed in front of the house. For Mother's Day, I was treated to whatever plants I wanted to complete the overall project. I chose two very large hanging baskets: a fuschia and some phlox hybrid that smells heavenly. I also chose a large hibiscus in a pot and a small plant called "Ace of Spades" that I planted in a hanging basket I had at the house already. We hung up the plants, potted the ace of spades, tucked the hibiscus into a spot where it wouldn't get tipped over, pulled a couple of stray weeds, and watered everything.
It was mid-evening, and the sun was hanging about six inches over the horizon. The play of light and shadow was just gorgeous. I stood back to take a look at the overall effect of the garden and freshly-painted porch. It was just SO perfect, I was stunned. And then I thought, "We did this?" It was amazing to me that we had created such a pleasant and inviting area, because, while we were doing each stage of it, there was no hint that it would be so incredibly beautiful! It's like that (warning: the following contains geeky references) game that Vulcans play -darned if I remember the name, I want to say Kalto - it's the one with all the sticks, and when you get it right, this bunch of little sticks forms itself into polyhedral shape. It's all Spatial Harmonics, but in essence, that's what happened with the front of my house. It's like we put in the last thing and POOF! Beautiful harmony!
And in the midst of all this perfection, I began to count my blessings, and take stock of how truly beautiful life can be. It was a moment of utter contentment. I wasn't worrying about bills. I wasn't feeling frustrated with the kids. I was counting my blessings and feeling like the richest person in the world, standing right there in my own front yard.
Feeling this happy and content and positive is unusual for me. Far too many bad things happened to me in youth, and the world lost its wonder and shine a loooonnnng time ago. It's so wonderful now to finally be able to heal from some of that enough to begin seeing the beauty in life again!
Now, I'm not going to kid myself. The shine of that moment is already wearing off. The ugliness of life is asserting itself again. But it's nice to have the picture in my heart of that front garden to take out and look at when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Like today.
Music: none at the moment
Wow - time really does get away from me! I swear a week goes by in a blink, and it's not because I'm busy. It's mostly because one day looks very much like any other! My life is a run-on sentence, punctuated here and there by board meetings (twice a month), pediatrician appointments (once every 3 months), and weekends, when I notice this guy I seem to remember marrying hanging around.
I was going to write on Sunday about this ...well, epiphany of sorts, but I got so wrapped up in the experience that I forgot to write about it. So here is the delayed version, even though I might not be able to capture the wonder in quite the same way.
We had painted the porch and done a lot of work on the flower bed in front of the house. For Mother's Day, I was treated to whatever plants I wanted to complete the overall project. I chose two very large hanging baskets: a fuschia and some phlox hybrid that smells heavenly. I also chose a large hibiscus in a pot and a small plant called "Ace of Spades" that I planted in a hanging basket I had at the house already. We hung up the plants, potted the ace of spades, tucked the hibiscus into a spot where it wouldn't get tipped over, pulled a couple of stray weeds, and watered everything.
It was mid-evening, and the sun was hanging about six inches over the horizon. The play of light and shadow was just gorgeous. I stood back to take a look at the overall effect of the garden and freshly-painted porch. It was just SO perfect, I was stunned. And then I thought, "We did this?" It was amazing to me that we had created such a pleasant and inviting area, because, while we were doing each stage of it, there was no hint that it would be so incredibly beautiful! It's like that (warning: the following contains geeky references) game that Vulcans play -darned if I remember the name, I want to say Kalto - it's the one with all the sticks, and when you get it right, this bunch of little sticks forms itself into polyhedral shape. It's all Spatial Harmonics, but in essence, that's what happened with the front of my house. It's like we put in the last thing and POOF! Beautiful harmony!
And in the midst of all this perfection, I began to count my blessings, and take stock of how truly beautiful life can be. It was a moment of utter contentment. I wasn't worrying about bills. I wasn't feeling frustrated with the kids. I was counting my blessings and feeling like the richest person in the world, standing right there in my own front yard.
Feeling this happy and content and positive is unusual for me. Far too many bad things happened to me in youth, and the world lost its wonder and shine a loooonnnng time ago. It's so wonderful now to finally be able to heal from some of that enough to begin seeing the beauty in life again!
Now, I'm not going to kid myself. The shine of that moment is already wearing off. The ugliness of life is asserting itself again. But it's nice to have the picture in my heart of that front garden to take out and look at when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Like today.
Hodgepodge
Friday, May 06, 2005
Mood: indecisive
Music: none - can't decide what to listen to
It's one of those days. I want to listen to music, but can't decide what to listen to, or even pick a genre. I want to play a computer game, but can't decide which one. Do I want Chess, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Sacred, or just goof off on pogo.com? Who knows - I certainly don't!
I wonder if maybe this mood is just a sign that my brain is otherwise occupied and can't be bothered right now to commit resources to such frivolity.
Oh....that reminds me of my old boss.
When I was a paralegal, the other paralegals and I would gather each morning after the attorney left for court and have a sort of hen-session. Once in a while, the boss would forget something, have to come back, and catch us in the act - usually while we were laughing our butts off over something he said, etc. He'd pop his head in, scowl, and say "There's entirely too much frivolity in here!" Which, of course, would send us off laughing as soon as he left again.
Anyway - I'm going to go find something engaging to do. Talk amongst yourselves...
Music: none - can't decide what to listen to
It's one of those days. I want to listen to music, but can't decide what to listen to, or even pick a genre. I want to play a computer game, but can't decide which one. Do I want Chess, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Sacred, or just goof off on pogo.com? Who knows - I certainly don't!
I wonder if maybe this mood is just a sign that my brain is otherwise occupied and can't be bothered right now to commit resources to such frivolity.
Oh....that reminds me of my old boss.
When I was a paralegal, the other paralegals and I would gather each morning after the attorney left for court and have a sort of hen-session. Once in a while, the boss would forget something, have to come back, and catch us in the act - usually while we were laughing our butts off over something he said, etc. He'd pop his head in, scowl, and say "There's entirely too much frivolity in here!" Which, of course, would send us off laughing as soon as he left again.
Anyway - I'm going to go find something engaging to do. Talk amongst yourselves...
Parental Psychosis
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Mood: affectionate humor
Music: none (unless you count the soft whirring of the computer fan)
My husband - bless his heart - has been bugging me relentlessly about our son's speech (or lack thereof). The little guy is only 13 months old, but DH seems to think he should be a master orator by now. ::chuckle::
I attribute this to the fact that DH and I got together when my youngest daughter -DD2-(previous marriage) was 18 months old. At the time, she was giving grandios speeches ... ok, she was just talking in sentences, but still - quite ahead of the game. So DH just assumes that DS should be at least spouting out random words. So far, though, all we have is "Mama", "Daddy", "hi", "ok", and something that sounds like DD2's name. DH is diligent in his encouragement, though, and keeps trying to get DS to say things like "sphegmometer" (which DD1 could say at almost 2 - story for another time).
Our son is my husband's first child and my third, so we are at opposite ends of the spectrum of parental psychosis. To DH, everything has the potential to trigger an all-out parental panic attack.
Him: "Should he have that"?
Me: "Have what"?
Him: "The can of cat food".
Me: "Is it open"?
Him: "No".
Me: "He must be teething - he's happy, let him be".
Him: "But what if he gets it open"?
Me: "Honey, I can't even get those things open - he's fine".
Him: "But......"
And on we go until I remind him that I've gotten two other children through this same stage, and that they're perfectly fine.
Of course, it doesn't help DH's 'condition' when DS does things like this:
I'm standing in Wal Mart, and my cell phone rings. It's DH.
Him: "Um, how close are you to being done"?
Me: "I'll be heading to the checkout soon, why"?
Him: "Well, DS woke up from his nap an hour ago and hasn't stopped screaming since".
So I head for home. I go pounding up the front steps and fling open the door, only to be greeted with......
Silence.
Me: "I thought you said he was screaming"!
Him: "He WAS - right up until he heard you pull in the driveway".
Sure enough - DS had red eyes and residual tears. And a great big grin on his face. He looked calmly up at me and held out his arms in that adorable 'pick me up' thing that tiny ones do.
That's my boy!
Music: none (unless you count the soft whirring of the computer fan)
My husband - bless his heart - has been bugging me relentlessly about our son's speech (or lack thereof). The little guy is only 13 months old, but DH seems to think he should be a master orator by now. ::chuckle::
I attribute this to the fact that DH and I got together when my youngest daughter -DD2-(previous marriage) was 18 months old. At the time, she was giving grandios speeches ... ok, she was just talking in sentences, but still - quite ahead of the game. So DH just assumes that DS should be at least spouting out random words. So far, though, all we have is "Mama", "Daddy", "hi", "ok", and something that sounds like DD2's name. DH is diligent in his encouragement, though, and keeps trying to get DS to say things like "sphegmometer" (which DD1 could say at almost 2 - story for another time).
Our son is my husband's first child and my third, so we are at opposite ends of the spectrum of parental psychosis. To DH, everything has the potential to trigger an all-out parental panic attack.
Him: "Should he have that"?
Me: "Have what"?
Him: "The can of cat food".
Me: "Is it open"?
Him: "No".
Me: "He must be teething - he's happy, let him be".
Him: "But what if he gets it open"?
Me: "Honey, I can't even get those things open - he's fine".
Him: "But......"
And on we go until I remind him that I've gotten two other children through this same stage, and that they're perfectly fine.
Of course, it doesn't help DH's 'condition' when DS does things like this:
I'm standing in Wal Mart, and my cell phone rings. It's DH.
Him: "Um, how close are you to being done"?
Me: "I'll be heading to the checkout soon, why"?
Him: "Well, DS woke up from his nap an hour ago and hasn't stopped screaming since".
So I head for home. I go pounding up the front steps and fling open the door, only to be greeted with......
Silence.
Me: "I thought you said he was screaming"!
Him: "He WAS - right up until he heard you pull in the driveway".
Sure enough - DS had red eyes and residual tears. And a great big grin on his face. He looked calmly up at me and held out his arms in that adorable 'pick me up' thing that tiny ones do.
That's my boy!
Restlessness
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Mood: restless / petulant
Music: 80's music channel on DirecTV
I don't know what I feel like doing. I keep flitting from playing computer games, to shopping online, to working on my afghan, to scrapbooking and back again. I can't seem to settle on one activity. It's been this way all day. I went out shopping, and brought home more scrapbooking stuff (and I only went to buy a new shower curtain....).
I hate this mood. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I find something to do that engrosses me for a while. Maybe I can find a good movie in my collection or on pay-per-view. Then again, I'd hate to rent a movie and then walk away from it because I can't seem to settle down.
It's too dang hot in this house!!!!
Ok - I'd better stop writing. I guess I'm more ornery than I realized.
Gonna go have a runnin' fit now.
Music: 80's music channel on DirecTV
I don't know what I feel like doing. I keep flitting from playing computer games, to shopping online, to working on my afghan, to scrapbooking and back again. I can't seem to settle on one activity. It's been this way all day. I went out shopping, and brought home more scrapbooking stuff (and I only went to buy a new shower curtain....).
I hate this mood. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I find something to do that engrosses me for a while. Maybe I can find a good movie in my collection or on pay-per-view. Then again, I'd hate to rent a movie and then walk away from it because I can't seem to settle down.
It's too dang hot in this house!!!!
Ok - I'd better stop writing. I guess I'm more ornery than I realized.
Gonna go have a runnin' fit now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
