Still broken

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

I think I must have some part of me that got broken inside when Dad died. It's in there, dangling by a wire, and rattles around when I move through life. And sometimes it unexpectedly gets hung up in other parts, and causes problems.

And sometimes, like now, I just feel like I'm filled with broken glass and it hurts no matter which direction I go. Dad has been in my dreams lately, which puts him on my mind a lot, which brings him into more of my's a vicious cycle that is wearing me down and hurting me and making me start to avoid sleep unless I think I'm too tired to dream. And it's all taking a toll on my ability to think clearly, to make decisions, to even type. Holding conversations is difficult, at best. I can't keep doing this, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to make this grief leave me alone.

It's been like this for a couple weeks now, and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired on so many levels, but it seems I cannot rest easy. There is no comfort, no peace of mind, no restful sleep. I crawl out of bed exhausted with only a minute to spare before I have to take the kids to school. Thankfully, that stops in one week. Maybe if I can just keep pushing until then, I will finally get some rest...once I fall into exhausted sleep, I'll be able to sleep as long as I really need. I hope.


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