"I can't hold on to me, wonder what's wrong with me.."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. Or any day lately for that matter. There's just this..utter apathy. I take even less interest in anything than usual. I'm restless, but I don't know what I might want to do. I do know I want to sleep ..and sleep and sleep. I talk to only a couple of people now, and even they are hearing from me less and less.

I know. I'm depressed. As usual. And I know Marcus would say "go talk to somebody"...but what he doesn't understand is that doing that would require far, far more of me than I'm able to give right now. First there's the phone call - having to talk to some receptionist and tell them you want to make an appointment about depression. Gawd, the thought of that alone is enough to make me say 'no thanks'. I'm depressed, yes, but I don't wanna really tell anybody. Gawd, how vile. But let's assume for the sake of argument that I would do such a thing. Well, then there's the appointment itself. Pile Will into the Jeep and drive all the way somewhere, probably in the city, where I hate to go. New places, having to deal with more people...it's just too much. And then there would be the appointment itself. I mean, what the hell do you say? I'm depressed. And when asked why, I have no answer except that this is how I am. Chronically depressed. And I don't really wanna talk about it. So what good is a shrink?

I'm beginning to think that my period of gung-ho "let's fix the house, our life, etc" was nothing more than mania. I do that from time to time. I think I'm going to change my whole life around, get it all together, etc....and I start doing it, all with the best of intentions. And then, for no reason, it all crashes. I get apathetic again and all my changes fall by the wayside. And then I'm depressed again, and feeling even more like I'm a failure.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I WANT to do something about it. I know that others expect me to be different than this, though. But I rarely care about what other people want from me. Does this mean I'm going to live an unproductive life? I don't know.

The complete lyrics for my post title line are as follows:

"Lithium" by Evanescence

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness or let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, stay in love with you
Oh I'm gonna let it go

1 comments:

Marcus said...

You're right that Marcus would say go talk to someone. I didn't used to buy into the whole shrink thing, then I took some psych classes myself and understand the process better. I can't say much to your aversion of the new other than to say change would be good. You need to change to be happy. Your not happy, and I don't like seeing you not happy. I wouldn't worry about a thing as far as what to say. Who ever you talk to would direct the conversations with questions and such, it's not as if they would just sit and stare, and the would go out of their way to make you comfortable, if they don't, that's not the right person for you to be talking to anyway.

You're obviously not happy, and it's not something I can do something about remotely. Both distance, and I'm not sure I'm let 'in' enough, if that makes sense. But if you want any semblance of happy, things must change, and that has to start within you, before you can change the things around you.

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