Restless Futility

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm unhappy for any number of reasons, and I want something to change, or want to change something, but it all seems so futile to even try anymore. I thought Lance and I had drawn closer as a couple - we both commented on how much better we felt after the cruise. And then last night, he comes home and rips everyone's head off about the house, becoming a total tyrant again. And like a flower wilting suddenly, I felt my heart just shrivel up again.

It's clear that my worth is only equal to my ability to keep house, and since I suck at that, I am worthless.


Marcus said...

You've been unhappy, for a whole series of reasons, all valid. It does take more than a decent vacation to turn things around, but it might be a step in the right direction, so don't discount it so quickly.

I don't know if he really only likes you when the house is clean, or what have you, or if the situation just makes it look like that, but I do know something.

I know what I think of you. I don't see you in reference to how clean my house is, cause well, you're not responsible for that, and it's probably a lost cause already anyway :) But I do see you as a woman, a proud mother. I've seen you as a dedicated volunteer, the super 'soccer mom.'

I've also seen you as the needing, and unfulfilled wife, the frustrated, the dejected. So reactive to his moods and such, and yes, they are going to affect you, significantly, you do live in the same house after all. But try to remember, just cause he's pissy, or a dick, does not lessen you in my eyes, or even more importantly, doesn't lessen you as a person.

You're still you, with all the great things that I've seen, and I hope, through me, you've come to maybe grudgingly acknowledge. ;) Keep those things closer in your heart than angry words or spazams from others, and I hope it helps you through rough times.

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