*****DISCLAIMER: Before y'all go jumpin' off the deep end over this one, I have to say this. I am depressed. Therefore I have a dark outlook right now. But suicide takes something I don't have: guts, motivation, and ambition. So chill, relax, read, and enjoy a walk into the more surreal side of my head.*****
Loosening the moorings
Slipping the knots
Weigh the anchors
Quiet my thoughts
Ironic that peace comes
When you're saying goodbye
To a life filled with pain
And terror, and 'why?'
The taxes need filing
Hope they water my plant
Give them strength to cope
Because I just can't
I don't want to be here
It's as simple as that.
So raise my kids
And take care of my cat.
Don't take it personally
It's not about you
I'm tired of fighting
It's what I want to do
But like anything else
I want to achieve
I lack ambition
and I've earned no reprieve.
(c) SapphireSoul 2006 (Don't steal this - go get your own misery to write about)
Yahoo Widgets and other ramblings
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Ok, I know everyone else has probably already found Yahoo Widgets, but a friend just pointed them out to me, and I've spent the last few hours playing with them. The poor cat has been doing the potty dance and singing the Meow Mix song for at least an hour, and I keep telling him "just let me grab this widget"...but that turns into two more, then three. I'm sure he'll leave me an indicator of just how he feels about that, too.
So how're the New Year's resolutions coming? *smirk* Oh, I'll be the last person to give anyone a hard time about it. I didn't even make any resolutions this year. I figured it would be pointless to kid myself and would likely only feed the self-loathing beast when I failed. *shrug*
I know I'm not the most regular blogger out there. My posts are hit and mostly miss. I guess I just don't see the point of posting if I don't have anything to say. Unless, of course, when I post out of guilt for not posting for so long and I ramble on about nothing (like today). Not that anyone cares. I've seen some of the daily bloggers, and writing just to fill that day's space is a waste. But nobody seems to care as long as they post daily. I imagine I could write a blog about various shapes of mouse droppings and if I posted daily, I would likely end up with an audience. That's just sad.
Speaking of writing, I finally wrote down one of the incidents of abuse in (very) short story form. It had nagged and nagged me all day until I sat down at the computer and began to type. To get it out, I had to use the third person and resize the window so I could only see half a page and two lines. But I did it! Then I maximized the window, read what I'd written, and sat there crying. And once the tears ran out, there was a hollow spot where that small piece of pain had been. Something about putting what had been a memory of sound and image and putting it into stark words made it inescapable. More solid. It demanded that I acknowledge it. That one small incident is free now, though. It is no longer trapped inside me, shredding my soul with its claws. The spot it occupied is healing; there is a tiny seed of peace in its place that I hope takes permanent root. *soft smile*
On a lighter note, I called my mother tonight and held the phone out so she could hear the chaos she has inflicted upon my household. Little Man was running in circles around the living room with this little toy lawnmower Mom got him for xmas. The thing is noisy even without the sound, its monster-like mouth 'gobbling' the grass with a plastic chatter. Some wise guy who couldn't have had kids decided it would be great if the damned thing talked, too. *rolling eyes* So here was my son creating more noise with that one toy than the TV and his sisters could make combined. I told Mom that the next time she gets him something like that, leave the batteries out and toss in a bottle of Excedrin for me!
Oh, and Grandma, if you can hear me in the great cosmic beyond...I've been dreaming of your house up north a lot lately. Can you be a little more specific please?
So how're the New Year's resolutions coming? *smirk* Oh, I'll be the last person to give anyone a hard time about it. I didn't even make any resolutions this year. I figured it would be pointless to kid myself and would likely only feed the self-loathing beast when I failed. *shrug*
I know I'm not the most regular blogger out there. My posts are hit and mostly miss. I guess I just don't see the point of posting if I don't have anything to say. Unless, of course, when I post out of guilt for not posting for so long and I ramble on about nothing (like today). Not that anyone cares. I've seen some of the daily bloggers, and writing just to fill that day's space is a waste. But nobody seems to care as long as they post daily. I imagine I could write a blog about various shapes of mouse droppings and if I posted daily, I would likely end up with an audience. That's just sad.
Speaking of writing, I finally wrote down one of the incidents of abuse in (very) short story form. It had nagged and nagged me all day until I sat down at the computer and began to type. To get it out, I had to use the third person and resize the window so I could only see half a page and two lines. But I did it! Then I maximized the window, read what I'd written, and sat there crying. And once the tears ran out, there was a hollow spot where that small piece of pain had been. Something about putting what had been a memory of sound and image and putting it into stark words made it inescapable. More solid. It demanded that I acknowledge it. That one small incident is free now, though. It is no longer trapped inside me, shredding my soul with its claws. The spot it occupied is healing; there is a tiny seed of peace in its place that I hope takes permanent root. *soft smile*
On a lighter note, I called my mother tonight and held the phone out so she could hear the chaos she has inflicted upon my household. Little Man was running in circles around the living room with this little toy lawnmower Mom got him for xmas. The thing is noisy even without the sound, its monster-like mouth 'gobbling' the grass with a plastic chatter. Some wise guy who couldn't have had kids decided it would be great if the damned thing talked, too. *rolling eyes* So here was my son creating more noise with that one toy than the TV and his sisters could make combined. I told Mom that the next time she gets him something like that, leave the batteries out and toss in a bottle of Excedrin for me!
Oh, and Grandma, if you can hear me in the great cosmic beyond...I've been dreaming of your house up north a lot lately. Can you be a little more specific please?
The Order of the Stick - by Rich Burlew
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
The Order of the Stick - by Rich Burlew
Anyone who has ever played D&D at all is probably going to recognize themselves or their party members in this online comic strip. It's hilarious!
Character gets hurt, cleric says "how bad is it?" Character holds out his spleen "I don't know, is this important?" *laugh*
The comic strip is up to #251 as of today, and seems to be an ongoing thing (since yesterday it was only up to #250). This one's in my favorites now. :)
Anyone who has ever played D&D at all is probably going to recognize themselves or their party members in this online comic strip. It's hilarious!
Character gets hurt, cleric says "how bad is it?" Character holds out his spleen "I don't know, is this important?" *laugh*
The comic strip is up to #251 as of today, and seems to be an ongoing thing (since yesterday it was only up to #250). This one's in my favorites now. :)
Trying for a PS3
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Ok, this time, I'm getting in early on this! I waited around too long for the ipod.
The folks that did the free ipod thing are offering a free PS3. You sign up, complete an offer, and start referring.
I chose to do the RealArcade offer, because I love games. If you want to jump on this one, go HERE! (please please please)
The folks that did the free ipod thing are offering a free PS3. You sign up, complete an offer, and start referring.
I chose to do the RealArcade offer, because I love games. If you want to jump on this one, go HERE! (please please please)
City Building Games
Mood: pretty good, actually
Music: Twilight Zone by Golden Earring
I love to play city building games. Something about the micromanaging is just so fun! Except, of course, when you forget simple things like, oh say, a firehouse. **sheepish grin**
So far, I've played Caesar II, Zeus, Poseidon, Emperor, and I'm now playing Pharaoh (with the Cleopatra expansion pack). All of them were made by Sierra/Impressions Games (I'm pretty sure). I have to say, out of all of those, my favorite is Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom. The roadblocks and gates work much, much better than the systems in the other games. Even the roadblocks in Pharoah don't work the same (they suck, actually). Emperor is just a far more precise game, in my book, and I love precision. I wish the other games of that nature had been made with that level of precision. I hate seeing my walkers go everywhere but where I want them to! Oh, and the graphics is another thing. I think Emperor has better building designs and such - the others are a little too cartoony (especially Zeus).
Civilization II and III, while not quite the same genre, are fun (admittedly, I haven't had time to dive too much into III yet, but what I did do looks good).
I haven't tried playing the Sims stuff yet. It just doesn't look all that much fun - I like managing goods and processes, not necessarily individuals. It seems to me that the Sims are more of an interactive soap opera (bleh).
I'm also a Rollercoaster Tycoon freak. I've tried other tycoon games, and none of them are on a level with that, although Railroad Tycoon II has come close. Cruise Ship Tycoon is a joke. I gave Golf Resort Tycoon to the kids.
Oh, and Total Annihilation: Kingdoms has been rather fun, too. I've also recently gotten my hands on Stronghold: Crusader, and it's alright - not fabulous, but alright.
I guess I'm in search of the next great detail-oriented game. Any suggestions?
Music: Twilight Zone by Golden Earring
I love to play city building games. Something about the micromanaging is just so fun! Except, of course, when you forget simple things like, oh say, a firehouse. **sheepish grin**
So far, I've played Caesar II, Zeus, Poseidon, Emperor, and I'm now playing Pharaoh (with the Cleopatra expansion pack). All of them were made by Sierra/Impressions Games (I'm pretty sure). I have to say, out of all of those, my favorite is Emperor: Rise of the Middle Kingdom. The roadblocks and gates work much, much better than the systems in the other games. Even the roadblocks in Pharoah don't work the same (they suck, actually). Emperor is just a far more precise game, in my book, and I love precision. I wish the other games of that nature had been made with that level of precision. I hate seeing my walkers go everywhere but where I want them to! Oh, and the graphics is another thing. I think Emperor has better building designs and such - the others are a little too cartoony (especially Zeus).
Civilization II and III, while not quite the same genre, are fun (admittedly, I haven't had time to dive too much into III yet, but what I did do looks good).
I haven't tried playing the Sims stuff yet. It just doesn't look all that much fun - I like managing goods and processes, not necessarily individuals. It seems to me that the Sims are more of an interactive soap opera (bleh).
I'm also a Rollercoaster Tycoon freak. I've tried other tycoon games, and none of them are on a level with that, although Railroad Tycoon II has come close. Cruise Ship Tycoon is a joke. I gave Golf Resort Tycoon to the kids.
Oh, and Total Annihilation: Kingdoms has been rather fun, too. I've also recently gotten my hands on Stronghold: Crusader, and it's alright - not fabulous, but alright.
I guess I'm in search of the next great detail-oriented game. Any suggestions?
Hint for Husbands
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Mood: irritated, annoyed, and a little hurt
Music: Heart and Soul by T'Pau
OK. Here's a hint for all the husbands out there: women like to be, at the very least, acknowledged for the sexy creatures we are when we're flirting and trying to get some lovin'. Even if you're not in the mood, guys, let her know you still think she's sexy and great and all that.
Or risk being cut off. She'll find other ways to amuse herself.
Case in point. Hubby was in a somewhat playful mood, so I responded and got all playful back, and ended up with him behind me while I was dancing. Now, we had been having fun, but I wanted more, so I'm all rubbing the back of me all up on the front of him...and getting nothing. Absolute zero response. He might as well have been having a root canal.
Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. Not even a kiss and an 'I'm tired'. Ouch.
Not an isolated incident, either. I swear the man has almost zero sex drive, while I'm somewhere in the outer stratosphere. Talk about frustrating!
But to not even give me any feedback whatsoever...that's shitty. Pretty soon, I'm just going to stop even appearing interested, because it very rarely gets me anywhere. Maybe he should write a book 'how to kill your sex life in less than 5 years'.
Music: Heart and Soul by T'Pau
OK. Here's a hint for all the husbands out there: women like to be, at the very least, acknowledged for the sexy creatures we are when we're flirting and trying to get some lovin'. Even if you're not in the mood, guys, let her know you still think she's sexy and great and all that.
Or risk being cut off. She'll find other ways to amuse herself.
Case in point. Hubby was in a somewhat playful mood, so I responded and got all playful back, and ended up with him behind me while I was dancing. Now, we had been having fun, but I wanted more, so I'm all rubbing the back of me all up on the front of him...and getting nothing. Absolute zero response. He might as well have been having a root canal.
Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. Not even a kiss and an 'I'm tired'. Ouch.
Not an isolated incident, either. I swear the man has almost zero sex drive, while I'm somewhere in the outer stratosphere. Talk about frustrating!
But to not even give me any feedback whatsoever...that's shitty. Pretty soon, I'm just going to stop even appearing interested, because it very rarely gets me anywhere. Maybe he should write a book 'how to kill your sex life in less than 5 years'.
Games People Play
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Mood: Quacking up
Music: Rob Zombie
Pogo's done it again. They've come up with yet another mindless, thoroughly addictive waste of time. And I'm hooked, of course. It's called Quick Quack, and has wasted a large portion of my evening..and morning. Whatever you do, be sure you have a few hours before you sit down to try it, and that you have a good supply of your beverage and snack of choice handy.
Speaking of games, I have my kids addicted to http://www.starfall.com . It's a site that has reading and phonics games (shhh they're really lessons). I have a shortcut on the desktop of the computer they use, and they are allowed to play there any time they want. Surprisingly, they are there more often than they are on neopets. Colorful graphics, cool sounds, catchy phrases. The one I keep hearing the girls repeat is "when two vowels go a-walking, the first one does the talking". Hey, if it helps them get the vowel teams down, I'm all for it!
Anyone out there have more good games to play or good kid-friendly sites (that aren't based on TV shows)? Post 'em!
Music: Rob Zombie
Pogo's done it again. They've come up with yet another mindless, thoroughly addictive waste of time. And I'm hooked, of course. It's called Quick Quack, and has wasted a large portion of my evening..and morning. Whatever you do, be sure you have a few hours before you sit down to try it, and that you have a good supply of your beverage and snack of choice handy.
Speaking of games, I have my kids addicted to http://www.starfall.com . It's a site that has reading and phonics games (shhh they're really lessons). I have a shortcut on the desktop of the computer they use, and they are allowed to play there any time they want. Surprisingly, they are there more often than they are on neopets. Colorful graphics, cool sounds, catchy phrases. The one I keep hearing the girls repeat is "when two vowels go a-walking, the first one does the talking". Hey, if it helps them get the vowel teams down, I'm all for it!
Anyone out there have more good games to play or good kid-friendly sites (that aren't based on TV shows)? Post 'em!
I'm just too stubborn for my own good...
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Right now, I have a migraine. You know, the kind of I'm-dizzy-nauseated-somebody-please-split-my-skull-open-and-make-it-feel-better kind of thing. Am I laying down in the dark in a fetal position like I ordinarily would be under such conditions? Nope.
I have things I want to do, dammit, so I'm wearing my sunglasses to cut the light from the computer screen, taking obscene amounts of Excedrin, balancing an ice pack on the top of my head, and trying desperately to just keep going. I think if I stop and go lay down, I'll have nothing to take my mind off the pain, and that won't be pretty. I'm not letting this stupid migraine stop me from having time to myself!
What's so important? Why, gaming, of course! MUDding, MUSHing, and MUCKing about. My characters might be a little crabby tonight, but that might make killing dragons and such all the more satisfying. And in the more social arenas, I might manage to be ruthless and start an all-out war. Sounds fun to me!
How appropriate is it that I'm watching Dungeons & Dragons? ::grin::
Yeah, I'm one of -those- types. Deal with it.
Oh....one cool thing before I go. I was playing with name generators (google 'name generator' and have fun), and got the following:
I have things I want to do, dammit, so I'm wearing my sunglasses to cut the light from the computer screen, taking obscene amounts of Excedrin, balancing an ice pack on the top of my head, and trying desperately to just keep going. I think if I stop and go lay down, I'll have nothing to take my mind off the pain, and that won't be pretty. I'm not letting this stupid migraine stop me from having time to myself!
What's so important? Why, gaming, of course! MUDding, MUSHing, and MUCKing about. My characters might be a little crabby tonight, but that might make killing dragons and such all the more satisfying. And in the more social arenas, I might manage to be ruthless and start an all-out war. Sounds fun to me!
How appropriate is it that I'm watching Dungeons & Dragons? ::grin::
Yeah, I'm one of -those- types. Deal with it.
Oh....one cool thing before I go. I was playing with name generators (google 'name generator' and have fun), and got the following:
- Opal Wave Dancer
- Bithore the Ash Maker (Sky Blue Dragon)
- Nienna Elensar
- Black Jenny Roberts
- Kali Flame Hawk
- Scaju Jocor
The most interesting/odd one was when I entered my old married name in and got...Lucid Nightmare. How appropo is that?
Yeah, I Know. I Missed Y'all, Too.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Mood: Goofy
Music: you kidding? The kids are asleep. Shhh......don't breathe too loud, I'm stealing some me time.
Good grief it's been eons since I last posted. ::rolling eyes::
Time is one of those elusive things for me. It just sort of slips through my fingers. One minute it's Sunday afternoon and the next it's Thursday night. At least, it seems that way. Ask me what day of the week it is, and unless it's cheerleading season (which it is right now, which is why I'm so dag-blamed busy), I really have to think hard about it. Hell, every year I spend all of May feeling like it's June, and all of July going "what happened to June?"...June is just greasy, I've come to believe. Slips right by with nary a squeak.
Well, we had some excitement a couple of weeks ago. I had just slipped into bed at 4am on a Sunday morning after spending all night MUD/MUSHing (google it, ok?), and not three minutes after I lay down, I heard a noise outside. It was a soft "thunk", and then about 10 seconds later, another "thunk". Nothing loud. Nothing that far out of the ordinary..but I got up and looked out the window to see. Next thing I did was hiss "Holy shit! Honey, get the gun - there's someone in your car!"
I've never seen anyone move quite that fast in my life. I swear, the man jumped right out of bed from a sound sleep, got the gun down, loaded it, and was out the front door in 15 seconds! He jumped the steps, landed on the walkway, and fired a warning shot. The two guys went running off into the woods. Long story short, they didn't get anything, and the sheriff's deputy found one of the guys' sneakers at the property line. Someone had a nasty, painful run through the woods!
About a week later, the sheriff's office called and told us that many of our neighbors had reported items missing that Sunday. These guys had been roaming the neighborhood. They just picked the wrong house when they hit us. I just looked at my husband and said "So are you going to gripe anymore about my staying up 'til all hours of the morning?" He didn't have much to say on that count....
Of course lots more has happened in the last couple of months, but I'm not going to fit it all in right now. It'll keep.
This Karamel Sutra ice cream, however, won't last nearly so long! Yummy!
Music: you kidding? The kids are asleep. Shhh......don't breathe too loud, I'm stealing some me time.
Good grief it's been eons since I last posted. ::rolling eyes::
Time is one of those elusive things for me. It just sort of slips through my fingers. One minute it's Sunday afternoon and the next it's Thursday night. At least, it seems that way. Ask me what day of the week it is, and unless it's cheerleading season (which it is right now, which is why I'm so dag-blamed busy), I really have to think hard about it. Hell, every year I spend all of May feeling like it's June, and all of July going "what happened to June?"...June is just greasy, I've come to believe. Slips right by with nary a squeak.
Well, we had some excitement a couple of weeks ago. I had just slipped into bed at 4am on a Sunday morning after spending all night MUD/MUSHing (google it, ok?), and not three minutes after I lay down, I heard a noise outside. It was a soft "thunk", and then about 10 seconds later, another "thunk". Nothing loud. Nothing that far out of the ordinary..but I got up and looked out the window to see. Next thing I did was hiss "Holy shit! Honey, get the gun - there's someone in your car!"
I've never seen anyone move quite that fast in my life. I swear, the man jumped right out of bed from a sound sleep, got the gun down, loaded it, and was out the front door in 15 seconds! He jumped the steps, landed on the walkway, and fired a warning shot. The two guys went running off into the woods. Long story short, they didn't get anything, and the sheriff's deputy found one of the guys' sneakers at the property line. Someone had a nasty, painful run through the woods!
About a week later, the sheriff's office called and told us that many of our neighbors had reported items missing that Sunday. These guys had been roaming the neighborhood. They just picked the wrong house when they hit us. I just looked at my husband and said "So are you going to gripe anymore about my staying up 'til all hours of the morning?" He didn't have much to say on that count....
Of course lots more has happened in the last couple of months, but I'm not going to fit it all in right now. It'll keep.
This Karamel Sutra ice cream, however, won't last nearly so long! Yummy!
Strange Nights = Bad Days
Monday, July 25, 2005
Mood: irritated and raw
Music: Evanescence
I don't think I got much actual sleep last night. My mind was waaaay to active. Seems like the weird and disturbing dreams started the moment my head hit the pillow and lasted all through the night. There were dreams within dreams within dreams, and in none of them could I be sure whether I was awake or asleep. It was like trying not to drown, the struggle to surface to true wakefulness. I spent the night fighting dreams, and it's left me feeling very angry. I wish I boxed or something, because I feel the need now to physically beat the crap outta something. I feel that way when the old demons have been haunting me, too. The desire to get the pain and rage out outweighs the fear of getting hurt. But punching a pillow or a bag just doesn't work for me. I need to meet resistance, and sometimes even get my butt kicked (it's humbling). Ultimately, when I've exhausted myself physically and emotionally, there is a sort of peace, finally. Even if I can't "win" the fight, I feel better for having tried. I know there's probably some mental connection between my years of feeling helpless/unable to fight and the desire to fight and prove to myself that I can now. But I don't feel like self-analysis right now.
Since I don't have anybody willing to let me try to fight them, I'll have to settle for the next thing that will somewhat settle me down. Music. The harder the metal, the angrier, the louder, the better to start out with. Megadeth, Disturbed, Linkin Park, etc. Then I seem to step it down, and sometimes I actually make it back to something cheerful. Today I'll settle for not feeling like my emotional skin has been pulled off and left me so raw. Today I'll settle for reaching the point where the rage melts to tears.
Music: Evanescence
I don't think I got much actual sleep last night. My mind was waaaay to active. Seems like the weird and disturbing dreams started the moment my head hit the pillow and lasted all through the night. There were dreams within dreams within dreams, and in none of them could I be sure whether I was awake or asleep. It was like trying not to drown, the struggle to surface to true wakefulness. I spent the night fighting dreams, and it's left me feeling very angry. I wish I boxed or something, because I feel the need now to physically beat the crap outta something. I feel that way when the old demons have been haunting me, too. The desire to get the pain and rage out outweighs the fear of getting hurt. But punching a pillow or a bag just doesn't work for me. I need to meet resistance, and sometimes even get my butt kicked (it's humbling). Ultimately, when I've exhausted myself physically and emotionally, there is a sort of peace, finally. Even if I can't "win" the fight, I feel better for having tried. I know there's probably some mental connection between my years of feeling helpless/unable to fight and the desire to fight and prove to myself that I can now. But I don't feel like self-analysis right now.
Since I don't have anybody willing to let me try to fight them, I'll have to settle for the next thing that will somewhat settle me down. Music. The harder the metal, the angrier, the louder, the better to start out with. Megadeth, Disturbed, Linkin Park, etc. Then I seem to step it down, and sometimes I actually make it back to something cheerful. Today I'll settle for not feeling like my emotional skin has been pulled off and left me so raw. Today I'll settle for reaching the point where the rage melts to tears.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
