Restless Futility

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm unhappy for any number of reasons, and I want something to change, or want to change something, but it all seems so futile to even try anymore. I thought Lance and I had drawn closer as a couple - we both commented on how much better we felt after the cruise. And then last night, he comes home and rips everyone's head off about the house, becoming a total tyrant again. And like a flower wilting suddenly, I felt my heart just shrivel up again.

It's clear that my worth is only equal to my ability to keep house, and since I suck at that, I am worthless.

Misery Wishes for Company

Tired this morning. I SO just wanted to turn the alarm clock off, roll over, and go back to sleep. But I had to get the girls to school - today's an early release day, though, so maybe I'll take a nap once they get back this afternoon.

It's not just a physical tired, though. It's sort of an emotional tired, too. Maybe I read too much erotica last night? It makes me all horny and starts me yearning for things I can't have, and I think there's a sort of aftercrash that comes with that. Once the fantasy wears off, reality sets in and leaves me unhappy and tired of not being able to have the kind of sex, affection and love that I want.

This is one of those moods where it's hard to talk to people. Talking to you only rubs the whole miserable feeling in, and I can't handle that when I'm like this. I'm restless, unsettled, still wanting and still unsatisfied. It's a horrible way to feel.

Maybe I'll go lay down for a while and let my mind create some soothing fantasy. Something simple, like letting myself imagine that the weight of the blankets and the softness of the bedding that cradles me is really the comforting arms of someone who gives a shit.