Mood: irritated and raw
Music: Evanescence
I don't think I got much actual sleep last night. My mind was waaaay to active. Seems like the weird and disturbing dreams started the moment my head hit the pillow and lasted all through the night. There were dreams within dreams within dreams, and in none of them could I be sure whether I was awake or asleep. It was like trying not to drown, the struggle to surface to true wakefulness. I spent the night fighting dreams, and it's left me feeling very angry. I wish I boxed or something, because I feel the need now to physically beat the crap outta something. I feel that way when the old demons have been haunting me, too. The desire to get the pain and rage out outweighs the fear of getting hurt. But punching a pillow or a bag just doesn't work for me. I need to meet resistance, and sometimes even get my butt kicked (it's humbling). Ultimately, when I've exhausted myself physically and emotionally, there is a sort of peace, finally. Even if I can't "win" the fight, I feel better for having tried. I know there's probably some mental connection between my years of feeling helpless/unable to fight and the desire to fight and prove to myself that I can now. But I don't feel like self-analysis right now.
Since I don't have anybody willing to let me try to fight them, I'll have to settle for the next thing that will somewhat settle me down. Music. The harder the metal, the angrier, the louder, the better to start out with. Megadeth, Disturbed, Linkin Park, etc. Then I seem to step it down, and sometimes I actually make it back to something cheerful. Today I'll settle for not feeling like my emotional skin has been pulled off and left me so raw. Today I'll settle for reaching the point where the rage melts to tears.
God, Guilt, and Absolution
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Earlier tonight I went down with a migraine that hit me like a freight train. I was gaming at the time, and it was all I could do to stow my stuff and exit before it blinded me.
Anyway, while I was laying in the dark trying to remember to keep breathing, I started thinking (not much else to do). In the game, I had been talking with my college friend, D (see previous post), and I had told him how lucky he is to have such strength of faith. I mean, the guy moved all the way to Israel!
I began examining (as I sometimes do) my own beliefs, and wondering why it's so hard for me to have any sort of faith in ....well, God. And in my slow process of picking through the rubble that is me, I think I have an inkling why. I'll try to explain it, but it will probably come out more simplified than it was when I came to this conclusion.
Take a child whose father is beating her, whose mother is mentally/emotionally cruel, and who is being sexually abused, and send that child to Sunday School, where she is told that God made the world and God sees all and that God loves us and will protect us. Talk about confusion! The message I ultimately came away with was that I must have done something terrible and was being punished by God for it. It was the only thing that made sense to me. So, along with the guilt that is common in abused children, I carried the guilt for some unknown awful thing that I was being tormented for. I think some part of me still looks for an absolution that will never come.
Later, I found that there were people who didn't believe in God (and hey - they weren't struck down, either!). For the granddaughter of a Baptist pastor, this was an amazing bit of news! After consideration of this new view, I started gravitating toward the agnostic side of things. There just couldn't be a God, because what kind of God allows children to experience what I did?
So, that's where I'm stuck now. I'm still not sure if there is or isn't a God. I still feel like I need to be punished and absolved of something that was never my fault to begin with. I am still seeking that truth that will ultimately set me free.
So yeah, D is VERY lucky he has such strong faith, whether it turns out to be true or not.
Anyway, while I was laying in the dark trying to remember to keep breathing, I started thinking (not much else to do). In the game, I had been talking with my college friend, D (see previous post), and I had told him how lucky he is to have such strength of faith. I mean, the guy moved all the way to Israel!
I began examining (as I sometimes do) my own beliefs, and wondering why it's so hard for me to have any sort of faith in ....well, God. And in my slow process of picking through the rubble that is me, I think I have an inkling why. I'll try to explain it, but it will probably come out more simplified than it was when I came to this conclusion.
Take a child whose father is beating her, whose mother is mentally/emotionally cruel, and who is being sexually abused, and send that child to Sunday School, where she is told that God made the world and God sees all and that God loves us and will protect us. Talk about confusion! The message I ultimately came away with was that I must have done something terrible and was being punished by God for it. It was the only thing that made sense to me. So, along with the guilt that is common in abused children, I carried the guilt for some unknown awful thing that I was being tormented for. I think some part of me still looks for an absolution that will never come.
Later, I found that there were people who didn't believe in God (and hey - they weren't struck down, either!). For the granddaughter of a Baptist pastor, this was an amazing bit of news! After consideration of this new view, I started gravitating toward the agnostic side of things. There just couldn't be a God, because what kind of God allows children to experience what I did?
So, that's where I'm stuck now. I'm still not sure if there is or isn't a God. I still feel like I need to be punished and absolved of something that was never my fault to begin with. I am still seeking that truth that will ultimately set me free.
So yeah, D is VERY lucky he has such strong faith, whether it turns out to be true or not.
Old Friends, Birthdays, and Other Happenings
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Yesterday I got the weirdest urge to play in a MUD (that's Multi-User Dungeon for those that didn't know). I had played in one a few years ago, but stopped playing when I got too busy. I couldn't remember the name of the MUD I'd played in, or the name of my character, or the names of any of my friends in the MUD (except Belgarath - that name stuck in my head, but only because I like the books).
So, anyway, I started looking up MUDs, and in a list a half-mile long, spotted the name of the MUD I'd been in before. It was one of those 'recognize it when you see it' things. So I went on as a Guest (I still couldn't remember my own darned character name) to look around. Of course, I've completely forgotten the commands to do just about anything, so I sat in Central Park for a while. I walked around a little bit. Somehow, I ran into my friend from college (D), that I hadn't talked to in years! We spent some time catching up, and he updated me on what the folks I used to hang out with were doing. I found out that my old roommate is now in a state mental facility, but the rest of the gang seems to be doing well. D moved to Israel, so it was the middle of the night for him while we were talking.
I just find it amazing that he and I connect and talk ever few years or so. It's really neat and fun! We emailed pics - I sent some of myself and my kids, he sent one of himself in Israel with beautiful old buildings in the background. He says I haven't changed. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean, does that mean I am stuck looking like something from 1990 or that I'm aging well? lol
I don't seem to get in touch with anyone else from high school or college. Then again, I really don't really want to hear from the high school crowd. I don't go to class reunions or anything. I figure that everything between age 0-17 is a chunk of my life I'd rather forget! Sometimes it all seems like a nightmare that happened to someone else, and maybe, in a way, it did. I'm not the same person I was then, and many of the memories seem so...surreal. ::deep breath:: OK....change of subject.
Today is Little Red's birthday. She's all excited, of course, and I like to make a big deal of birthdays. She's exempt from chores today, and can pick what we have for dinner tonight. She pretty much rules the roost today, but that's neat. She's the middle child, and she sometimes feels left out - not young enough to be babied like Little Man, not old enough to be able to do what She-Who-States-the-Obvious is allowed to do. So today, it's all about Little Red. :)
Last night, the Queen of Crochet (my best friend) and I made one of our late-night WalMart runs to go get Little Red's cake, ice cream, and presents. I was looking for a DVD, and the electronics section was torn apart for floor cleaning. At least, that's what I think it was. There were three people scraping the floor, and about nine people standing around watching them. I had to climb over several racks to get to what I was looking for, but I found it in spite of them! I also got her a book and two computer game sets, since I recently put one of the spare computers in their room. I would have gone for something more along the line of toys, but really, I couldn't bring myself to get them more junk! They share a room, and they have too much as it is (at least until the garage sale QoC and I are having in three weeks).
Cheer season starts in two weeks. I don't think I want a squad this year (dealing with obnoxious parents sucks - that's a whole 'nother post). I want to do what I did last year, and be Stunt Coordinator for the competition squads. I want to sent a squad to Nationals this year! Last year we made it to Regionals, and placed well, but not quite high enough to go to Nationals. For this year, I've got several new stunt ideas, and one killer opening sequence! ::grin:: We have a dance team this year, and I've been asked to help out there, too. This stuff is just way too fun!
So, anyway, I started looking up MUDs, and in a list a half-mile long, spotted the name of the MUD I'd been in before. It was one of those 'recognize it when you see it' things. So I went on as a Guest (I still couldn't remember my own darned character name) to look around. Of course, I've completely forgotten the commands to do just about anything, so I sat in Central Park for a while. I walked around a little bit. Somehow, I ran into my friend from college (D), that I hadn't talked to in years! We spent some time catching up, and he updated me on what the folks I used to hang out with were doing. I found out that my old roommate is now in a state mental facility, but the rest of the gang seems to be doing well. D moved to Israel, so it was the middle of the night for him while we were talking.
I just find it amazing that he and I connect and talk ever few years or so. It's really neat and fun! We emailed pics - I sent some of myself and my kids, he sent one of himself in Israel with beautiful old buildings in the background. He says I haven't changed. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean, does that mean I am stuck looking like something from 1990 or that I'm aging well? lol
I don't seem to get in touch with anyone else from high school or college. Then again, I really don't really want to hear from the high school crowd. I don't go to class reunions or anything. I figure that everything between age 0-17 is a chunk of my life I'd rather forget! Sometimes it all seems like a nightmare that happened to someone else, and maybe, in a way, it did. I'm not the same person I was then, and many of the memories seem so...surreal. ::deep breath:: OK....change of subject.
Today is Little Red's birthday. She's all excited, of course, and I like to make a big deal of birthdays. She's exempt from chores today, and can pick what we have for dinner tonight. She pretty much rules the roost today, but that's neat. She's the middle child, and she sometimes feels left out - not young enough to be babied like Little Man, not old enough to be able to do what She-Who-States-the-Obvious is allowed to do. So today, it's all about Little Red. :)
Last night, the Queen of Crochet (my best friend) and I made one of our late-night WalMart runs to go get Little Red's cake, ice cream, and presents. I was looking for a DVD, and the electronics section was torn apart for floor cleaning. At least, that's what I think it was. There were three people scraping the floor, and about nine people standing around watching them. I had to climb over several racks to get to what I was looking for, but I found it in spite of them! I also got her a book and two computer game sets, since I recently put one of the spare computers in their room. I would have gone for something more along the line of toys, but really, I couldn't bring myself to get them more junk! They share a room, and they have too much as it is (at least until the garage sale QoC and I are having in three weeks).
Cheer season starts in two weeks. I don't think I want a squad this year (dealing with obnoxious parents sucks - that's a whole 'nother post). I want to do what I did last year, and be Stunt Coordinator for the competition squads. I want to sent a squad to Nationals this year! Last year we made it to Regionals, and placed well, but not quite high enough to go to Nationals. For this year, I've got several new stunt ideas, and one killer opening sequence! ::grin:: We have a dance team this year, and I've been asked to help out there, too. This stuff is just way too fun!
More than you wanted to know about your birthdate
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Birthday Calculator
Here's what came up for mine:
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 5.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441377.5.
The golden number for 1972 is 16.
The epact number for 1972 is 14.
The year 1972 was a leap year.
As of 7/6/2005 4:08:56 PM CDT
You are 33 years old.
You are 400 months old.
You are 1,740 weeks old.
You are 12,180 days old.
You are 292,336 hours old.
You are 17,540,168 minutes old.
You are 1,052,410,136 seconds old.
There are 238 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 34 candles on it.
Those 34 candles produce 34 BTU's,
or 8,568 calories of heat (that's only 8.5680 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.89 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Aquamarine
The Mystical properties of Aquamarine
Aquamarine is often used to experience love and mercy. It is said to help ease depression and grief.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Jade, Rock Crystal
Your birth tree is
Weeping Willow, the Melancholy
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
There are 172 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.
*******Wow! That tree thing nailed it! They missed Bloodstone in the list of birthstones, though. Interesting that Jade is there - I used to use "Jade" in my name when (::blushing::) pursuing ..ahem...erotic communication.
Here's what came up for mine:
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Pisces.
Your Life path number is 5.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441377.5.
The golden number for 1972 is 16.
The epact number for 1972 is 14.
The year 1972 was a leap year.
As of 7/6/2005 4:08:56 PM CDT
You are 33 years old.
You are 400 months old.
You are 1,740 weeks old.
You are 12,180 days old.
You are 292,336 hours old.
You are 17,540,168 minutes old.
You are 1,052,410,136 seconds old.
There are 238 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 34 candles on it.
Those 34 candles produce 34 BTU's,
or 8,568 calories of heat (that's only 8.5680 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.89 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Aquamarine
The Mystical properties of Aquamarine
Aquamarine is often used to experience love and mercy. It is said to help ease depression and grief.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Jade, Rock Crystal
Your birth tree is
Weeping Willow, the Melancholy
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
There are 172 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.
*******Wow! That tree thing nailed it! They missed Bloodstone in the list of birthstones, though. Interesting that Jade is there - I used to use "Jade" in my name when (::blushing::) pursuing ..ahem...erotic communication.
I bet they're wondering "Now why don't she write?"
Mood: annoyed
Music: none
Name the movie the title of this post is from - put your answers in the comments. Bonus points if you name who said it and the circumstances.
Now, on to my annoyance.
I must have thought up six good topics that I wanted to blog about today. All of them were topics that I found engaging and had lots to say about. Do you think I can remember a single one of them now that I sit here? Hmm??
Nope.
Never fails. I think "I should blog that" at least a dozen times a week. Unfortunately, I'm in the car, falling asleep, busy with other things, etc. The inspiration just never strikes when I'm sitting here wondering what to say. So, if you ever wondered why I don't post as regularly as other bloggers, now you know.
I'm too busy pounding my head on my desk, trying to recall at least one of the week's brilliant ideas. I should call this the Purple Forehead blog......
3...2...1....AHA!!!! Now you get it!
Music: none
Name the movie the title of this post is from - put your answers in the comments. Bonus points if you name who said it and the circumstances.
Now, on to my annoyance.
I must have thought up six good topics that I wanted to blog about today. All of them were topics that I found engaging and had lots to say about. Do you think I can remember a single one of them now that I sit here? Hmm??
Nope.
Never fails. I think "I should blog that" at least a dozen times a week. Unfortunately, I'm in the car, falling asleep, busy with other things, etc. The inspiration just never strikes when I'm sitting here wondering what to say. So, if you ever wondered why I don't post as regularly as other bloggers, now you know.
I'm too busy pounding my head on my desk, trying to recall at least one of the week's brilliant ideas. I should call this the Purple Forehead blog......
3...2...1....AHA!!!! Now you get it!
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